Hormones and Craziness

I'm trying to understand the myriad of emotions running through my body at the speed of lightning.

I am.

And I know that some of them are influenced by the hormones...

But let me warn those of you who do not know - NOT one single pregnant woman on the planet wants to be told that, I assure you. That's like turning on the crazy switch...seriously.

NEVER 
NEVER 
NEVER 
NEVER
NEVER
NEVER EVER tell a pregnant woman she's hormonal. That's considered justifiable homicide. I promise! Ever watched Snapped? It can happen...

But here's an example of my craziness for you:

My husband and I usually text each other every morning, just to say Have a Great Day! or something like that. I have to be a work an hour before he does, so I wake up the kids and get them moving, but he has to take them to school. So I leave way before they do. So when I get to work, I usually try to send him a message telling him that I love him and to have a good day. But this morning, I assuming the kids were making him late, or he just got busy and he never text me back...so here's what happened in my pregnant brain - "He's been in a accident. Oh Lord! What I am going to do? I have to plan a funeral now. How am I going to do that? I don't know anything about funerals...What if he hadn't dropped the kids off? Are they all dead? Now that's 3 funerals! Oh God! How am I going to do this? And I'm pregnant! I can't raise a baby by myself! Pregnant and alone again... That's what my life's come to. How am I going to do this? What if it's a boy? I can't raise a boy by myself. What am I going to do? I'll have to move home with my mom! Not again! I'm too old to be a burden to her anymore. Will my old job take me back? What if they won't take me back? I don't want to go back to bartending...that's why I went back to school. I can't do those hours with a newborn. But I'll have to move home...I can't afford the house we are supposed to be closing on by myself! I'll have to back out. Maybe he can find someone else to buy it. It's a good neighborhood, I'm sure he can. That shouldn't be a problem. What am I going to do about his clothes? I can't go through his clothes right now, I'm sure they smell like him. I can't go home! Oh goodness! I can't stay at work! My husband and children are dead somewhere! I have got to go home...but I can't go home. Maybe I should be looking for them. I don't know where to start. Oh man...I need gas. I'll have to go get gas first. But I'm so sleepy. I need a nap first. I'm too tired. They won't let me leave work anyway. They'll think I'm crazy. How do I make them understand? What do I tell them? "

Straight crazy I tell you. That's where I am at this morning. 

Sitting at my desk crying.

Why? 

Because I'm crazy.

And no one understands... 

My church and pastor teaches to always assume the best...boy am I way off track! I'm trying to twist my thoughts back around to all goodness and love! Because I know that's the real truth. Just got hormone goggles or something on this morning. THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

 Hopefully...

Especially before they put me in a straight jacket!

Fabulous Friday

We're almost to the weekend again!

YAY!

It's been a wonderful week!

 - Monday, we got to see our little nugget on an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat and get a due date. It was also our one year wedding anniversary. My husband had gotten me really beautiful flowers and we thawed out our wedding cake.
 - Tuesday, I had to work late and the hubs had a load of clothes washing and dinner cooked by the time I got home.
 - Wednesday, I had a wonderful meeting with my women's group from church. A woman came to speak about the art of forgiveness. It was amazing!
 - And yesterday, my husband brought home Chinese food, had me a card and lots of chocolate. I had gotten him the movie "The Lucky One". (I am the luckiest girl ever because my man loves to watch the good movies with me, especially the romantic ones!) So we had Chinese and watched a movie. Awesome night!

And tonight we have a gift card to Carrabba's. So we are going out to dinner for Valentine's. Can't wait!

I know it doesn't sound like from all the food mentioned above, but I really have been trying to watch what I eat and not gain a lot of weight with this pregnancy. I've read that you should only increase your caloric intake by 300 calories a day. That's not a whole lot actually. And I've also read that at my current weight that I should try to only gain 10 lbs. That isn't much either. So I've painstakingly been trying to keep the weight down. I've been gaining and losing the same 5 lbs since we found out we are pregnant. But this morning I when I weighed I was over by a pound. I know it was all the Valentine's stuff, but still. I gotta watch it. Cupcakes and chocolate feel so good in the moment, but the scale never lies....IT KNOWS!!!

I've got to start walking again. It will help me keep the weight gain down, keep me feeling good, help my heart, and help me sleep. We had started walking every day, but then it got cold again. Hopefully the weather will start improving. I need to get out there.

I've lost a few readers lately. And that's okay. I started out my blog as mainly a way to keep myself accountable to all the changes I wanted to make in my life. And the main ones were losing weight, exercising, and eating healthier. And with getting pregnant, I've let that take the back burner a little. But this all about my journey...and I can promise you, I'm still a work in progress. Just can't exactly get all crazy about running and working out right now. But you can bet your sweet mama when I pop this babe out, I am on it. I want to feel better about myself. And for me, that's going to mean losing some weight. Right now, I'm just in a place where I have to take it a little slower with exercise and watch what I eat and maintaining my current weight. It's all about me and my journey.

So...

Everyone have a great weekend!!!

Terrific Tuesday

Finally!

Yesterday was our first baby appointment. Did an ultrasound:

I know that it's a little blurry, but that's our little chicken nugget. Already growing some eyeballs and some arms. They estimated that I was 9 weeks and 1 day, but the baby measured 9 weeks and 3 days, so we're doing good.

The way my doc does things I'll be 20 weeks before we get to find out what it is...so 11 weeks to go. Can't wait!

We are due September 15th!

Yesterday was also our 1 year anniversary!

Here's my beautiful roses:

Aren't they beautful?!

He also took me to lunch at this really nice, elegant restaurant called Tangerine Fusion and Sushi...yum. It was amazing! Then we thawed out our wedding cake and had a huge chunk each. It was better than I remember it being.

What a fabulous day!

Fierce Friday

I've almost made it...to the end of the week.

Almost....

there....

just....

a....

little...

bit...

further.

I'm so tired that I feel like I'm on my face down on the ground slowly crawling towards the finish line and the finish line keeps moving further and further back.

I really don't mean to complain. And I feel like I am. I'm just so miserable. I've never been so drained and exhausted in my whole life. I feel like I have nothing left. Nothing. I'm drained. I told someone this morning that I'm too tired to breathe, but my body just keeps doing it anyway. I've got the bobble head going on at my desk. I've been trying to write this for over an hour now, but I'm just too tired. Sad...I know. Too tired to hold my head up and type.

Anybody got any suggestions? I'm taking vitamins. I quit smoking. I'm drinking water more instead of sodas, I'm eating right. What can I do?

On the good news front...

We made a offer on a house Tuesday and it got accepted. YAY! So hopefully we'll be moving in March. My husband and I only got married last February and I lived 2 hours away. So we were renting until we figured out exactly where we wanted to be. But now we're ready to have a house of our own. Just dreading moving again...but we are members of a pretty awesome church and I think that they will be more than willing to help. Just ready to get this show on the road. I want to make our house feel like ours and comfortable before I get so big I won't be able to do anything.

Well...first baby appointment is Monday! YAY! I'll fill you all in on that Tuesday.

I'm taking the whole day off. Monday just so happens to be our wedding anniversary as well. 1 whole year. Seems like we've known each other for such a long time, one year seems just not quite right.

Guess it's time to start thawing out our wedding cake...mmmmm...that sounds awesome! Can't wait! It was such a beautiful cake. And so delicious! Simple and sweet...

Tired Tuesday

Oh...I'm so tired.

1st trimester is kicking my booty. But I'm trying to fight back. Even as tired as I am, I'm trying to stay somewhat active and eat/drink healthy. Sunday I walked 6 laps around the track down from our house. It wasn't marked clearly, so I'm not sure what the distance was, but that's ok. It was something. And then last night, we went to a well-lit neighborhood that had a quarter-mile track around their clubhouse and tennis courts. I did 7 laps - that's 1 and 3/4 miles peeps! Woohoo!

What I haven't told you is that in the car both nights, I had a war with myself...

"I don't want to walk!"
"I just wanna lay down and take a nap!"
"Why do I have to go?"
"I'm not getting out of this car!"

But the good side won and I ended up pushing myself further than I initially intended. Sunday, I told myself that I'd walk only 4 laps and be done, but ended up pushing myself to 6. And last night I was looking to only stay 30 minutes no matter how far I'd been, but ended going 7 laps and 45 minutes. Not bad for a broken down, old, pregnant lady...

I'm getting too excited about going to the doctor. I'm going to die before February 11th. I don't understand why I have to wait so long. But I guess I'm going to have to suck up and wait.

Apparently it's standard practice in this area to wait until you are 8 weeks or more for your first doctors appointment. Phooey! I guess since my little girl is now 12, it HAS been a while since I had to do all this. I guess some things have changed since then, maybe. And I was from a little teeny tiny town, not the big ole metropolis of Savannah.

On to other news, we put in an offer Sunday on a house. Trying to wait patiently on a response.

I'm thinking I'm having a life lesson on patience lately, since I've yet to possess any to date in all my 35 years. But nobody says I have to like it. So...

Wonderful Wednesday

We're halfway through the week...YAY!

I'm still on the hormonal roller coaster. Fun. Fun. Right now, I'm feeling pretty good so I figured I could fill y'all in on my life.

CAR NEWS
Both my husband's and my car have been acting crazy. Two weeks ago my car started idling rough. If you stopped at a red light or stop sign, it start struggling and then finally shut off. It would start right back up, but it was getting crazy. Then weekend before last, we were supposed to go to a dedication service at my husband's grandfather's church two hours away, and we didn't make it. My husband wanted to drive his car because mine had become so temperamental, so we take his car and his goes and throws a tantrum. About halfway into our drive, while going 80 down the interstate, his car shuts off and we have to coast to the side of the road. And it won't crank back up. Finally get in touch with my cousin to come get us. We managed to get the car back to the house very carefully, but it needs some work. My husband managed to get his car running pretty good, but can't figure out what is wrong with mine. He changes the spark plugs, the idle air control valve, nothing's making it better. He starts driving my car, scared that I would break down somewhere and be stuck. I suggest that he take it to the dealer, to at least have them tell him what's wrong with it. He takes it by the auto store and let them hook it up to a machine and gets the print out. It says there are 3 possibilities of problems, a clogged oil something, a cam sensor something, and I can't remember the 3rd. From research on the web and talking to people we think its the cam sensor thingy. So he takes it to a shop in town and they tell him that he needs to take it the dealership...(haha...secretly in my head, I'll be the first to tell you I know nothing about cars, but if the problem isn't easily diagnosed...take it to the experts)

So my husband takes my car to Kia. They look at the printouts from the auto store and immediately decide with the symptoms that its the cam sensor thingy. Joe makes an appointment for Saturday for them to fix it, we just had to make it through the week. Fast forward to Saturday, Joe goes to pick up the car and it ain't good. It wasn't the cam sensor, it was some kind of oil part and they don't have the part. Good news though, they let him take a brand new 2012 Kia Sorento. I seriously want one! Omgosh! I might have to find a used one, but I'm in love with the Sorento.

Ok. I've probably bored you to death....so I'll get on with it.

Got my car back yesterday! It's like having a brand new car. It's awesome! Drives great! YAY! You have no idea how excited this makes me.

Now we just got to work on getting my husband's car in the shop.

HOUSE NEWS
3 months-ish ago...We put in an offer on a short sell. And have yet to hear anything. And although I like the house, it's the perfect price, we've heard nothing. And I'm tired of renting, depending on others, throwing money away, etc. And our realtor found a house on the same street we were looking, it's just waaaaay out of our price range and my comfort zone. But we went and looked at it anyway, and...I...LOVE...IT. I think the house would be great for us, I just can't justify the price at all. Don't know what to do. I'm seriously considering putting in a very much smaller offer and just see where it goes...If they are desperate to sell, maybe they'll consider it. But I want it. So I'm at war with myself, trying to figure out exactly how high we are willing to go.

HUSBAND NEWS
He's been awesome. If I don't watch him though, he'll have me big as a house. If he goes to the store, he brings me candy. Which at the moment is good, but in retrospect...bad, very bad. I don't want to gain more than 20 lbs. with this pregnancy. I read that at my weight, I should only gain 10. That's scary because I'm craving all kinds of crazy things. Anyway, he's been really sweet...fixing me a washcloth when I get sick, fixing me something to drink, letting me nap some, cooking dinner. I just hope he can keep it up for a little while...I've been so tired. I honestly don't think that I'm getting enough sleep at all. I'm so tired, I could sleep standing up. Seriously. 

PREGNANCY NEWS
Still on the roller coaster...hormonally. Up and down, up and down. I cry a lot. I tired a lot. I want to sleep a lot. Had a break down the other night...just worried about cars, houses, bills, baby on the way...going nuts. Feels like a lot to be worried about to me. I'm trying to hold it all together. Just scared. About bills, about delivery....you name it. Basket case - CHECK!

WHERE THE WONDERFUL COMES IN

I have to remind myself sometimes not to take things for granted and to quit complaining. So here's why today is a wonderful Wednesday:

I love my husband
My husband loves me
I have wonderful children (most of the time, seriously)
We have a baby on the way
We have a roof over our heads
My car is like brand new
We are back in church, trying to be more involved
I have a job
My husband has a job and he actually loves his job (most days)
Our bills are paid

What more could a girl ask for?!

Thank God It's Friday!

I honestly don't know if I could have made it another day this week. I'm struggling now to keep my eyes open. I hit snooze like 30 times this morning and had to come to work with no makeup on and a wet head and it's freezing outside. Thank God I work on computers for a living, they don't really care what I look like. Right now, I have a space heater sitting on top of my desk slowly blow drying my hair.

Yesterday was such an emotional (and completely pregnant) day. Talk about roller coaster ride. Holy crap! Tears for no reason what-so-ever. My back hurt, my head hurt, and I was cramping so bad. I remember having cramps before, but not this bad. When I got home from work, I immediately stripped, put on pjs, and crawled in the bed. I broke out the heating pad and laid it on my stomach for awhile, and the cramps went away, but somewhere in my crazy pregnant brain, I was scared to death that I was cooking my baby. Which made me cry...again.

Thank God for an amazing husband! He was amazing last night. He got home right as I was putting on my pjs and crawling in bed and even though I know he was tired and wanted to lay down too, he went and made dinner. And washed clothes. And kept checking on me to make sure I was ok. And even listened to my crazy rantings about being crazy for being pregnant at 35.

You see, I had my daughter at 23. I was in shape and I was at my lowest weight in my whole life. I had the absolute best pregnancy ever. I only gained 27 lbs. I never, ever had morning sickness. I never had swollen ankles. The only problem I had was emotional crying. But looking back at that period of my life and everything that was going on, I can't even really blame that on hormones, it was probably just my circumstances. After she was born, I worked out like crazy and was back to myself in 2 weeks. Flat stomach, no stretch marks. All was good.

This time, I'm scared. TO DEATH! They say every pregnancy is different. And it's proving to be true...First of all, I'm not in shape. I'm very overweight. Almost exactly 100 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant the first time. That alone is scary. And I'm waaaaaay older. No longer 23, this time I'm 35 and will be turning 36 very soon. And from what I've read online, at my weight, I should try not to gain over 10 lbs. Holy crap! Which is good and bad. Only gaining 10 lbs will make losing weight more easy.

Crazily enough, I had started my weight loss journey not too long ago and was determined to get to onederland. Now, those plans are put on hold. Now, don't get me wrong...I am ecstatic about being pregnant! These are just all the ramblings and fears stuck in the back of my mind, dying to be voiced.

I have been nauseous this time. And I have thrown up. I'm already having strange and odd cravings. I ate a frozen pizza the other night covered in buffalo wing sauce. But the worst part for me right now, is feeling like the life force has been sucked out of me. I've been trying to read up on all this, to learn more about pregnancy. Especially since I had such a great one and it was so long ago. And yesterday I read that someone women in their first trimester have a hard time with being completely worn out. So I guess that it's normal. I guess I was just too spoiled with my first pregnancy, that I wasn't prepared for this one.

Don't get me wrong. No matter what I go through will definitely, a million times over, be worth it. When they hand you that little baby, no matter what you've been through, it all becomes a distant memory. One of my favorite pictures is me in the hospital, holding Daysia up to my face and just staring at her with awe and wonder. Pregnancy is a miracle. And no matter what goes on, on the outside with the mother, on the inside is a teeny, tiny human that starts out smaller than a pea. It grows legs, and arms, and ears, and eyes...and so on. And all inside you. And the first time you feel a flutter, aw man...what a beautiful thing.

I am excited, really. I catch myself daydreaming a lot lately. Whether it will be a boy or girl. Baby names. How awesome it will be not to do this alone this time. How really awesome our kids are being about it already and how much fun it will be to see them become Big Brother and Big Sister.

My first doctor's appointment is on our anniversary, February 11th. Can't wait! And my husband is going. That's awesome!

Stay tuned! The roller coaster ride is just beginning...