I honestly don't know if I could have made it another day this week. I'm struggling now to keep my eyes open. I hit snooze like 30 times this morning and had to come to work with no makeup on and a wet head and it's freezing outside. Thank God I work on computers for a living, they don't really care what I look like. Right now, I have a space heater sitting on top of my desk slowly blow drying my hair.
Yesterday was such an emotional (and completely pregnant) day. Talk about roller coaster ride. Holy crap! Tears for no reason what-so-ever. My back hurt, my head hurt, and I was cramping so bad. I remember having cramps before, but not this bad. When I got home from work, I immediately stripped, put on pjs, and crawled in the bed. I broke out the heating pad and laid it on my stomach for awhile, and the cramps went away, but somewhere in my crazy pregnant brain, I was scared to death that I was cooking my baby. Which made me cry...again.
Thank God for an amazing husband! He was amazing last night. He got home right as I was putting on my pjs and crawling in bed and even though I know he was tired and wanted to lay down too, he went and made dinner. And washed clothes. And kept checking on me to make sure I was ok. And even listened to my crazy rantings about being crazy for being pregnant at 35.
You see, I had my daughter at 23. I was in shape and I was at my lowest weight in my whole life. I had the absolute best pregnancy ever. I only gained 27 lbs. I never, ever had morning sickness. I never had swollen ankles. The only problem I had was emotional crying. But looking back at that period of my life and everything that was going on, I can't even really blame that on hormones, it was probably just my circumstances. After she was born, I worked out like crazy and was back to myself in 2 weeks. Flat stomach, no stretch marks. All was good.
This time, I'm scared. TO DEATH! They say every pregnancy is different. And it's proving to be true...First of all, I'm not in shape. I'm very overweight. Almost exactly 100 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant the first time. That alone is scary. And I'm waaaaaay older. No longer 23, this time I'm 35 and will be turning 36 very soon. And from what I've read online, at my weight, I should try not to gain over 10 lbs. Holy crap! Which is good and bad. Only gaining 10 lbs will make losing weight more easy.
Crazily enough, I had started my weight loss journey not too long ago and was determined to get to onederland. Now, those plans are put on hold. Now, don't get me wrong...I am ecstatic about being pregnant! These are just all the ramblings and fears stuck in the back of my mind, dying to be voiced.
I have been nauseous this time. And I have thrown up. I'm already having strange and odd cravings. I ate a frozen pizza the other night covered in buffalo wing sauce. But the worst part for me right now, is feeling like the life force has been sucked out of me. I've been trying to read up on all this, to learn more about pregnancy. Especially since I had such a great one and it was so long ago. And yesterday I read that someone women in their first trimester have a hard time with being completely worn out. So I guess that it's normal. I guess I was just too spoiled with my first pregnancy, that I wasn't prepared for this one.
Don't get me wrong. No matter what I go through will definitely, a million times over, be worth it. When they hand you that little baby, no matter what you've been through, it all becomes a distant memory. One of my favorite pictures is me in the hospital, holding Daysia up to my face and just staring at her with awe and wonder. Pregnancy is a miracle. And no matter what goes on, on the outside with the mother, on the inside is a teeny, tiny human that starts out smaller than a pea. It grows legs, and arms, and ears, and eyes...and so on. And all inside you. And the first time you feel a flutter, aw man...what a beautiful thing.
I am excited, really. I catch myself daydreaming a lot lately. Whether it will be a boy or girl. Baby names. How awesome it will be not to do this alone this time. How really awesome our kids are being about it already and how much fun it will be to see them become Big Brother and Big Sister.
My first doctor's appointment is on our anniversary, February 11th. Can't wait! And my husband is going. That's awesome!
Stay tuned! The roller coaster ride is just beginning...
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