Thursday, September 27, 2012

Get with the Program!!!!

I stink at this apparently!

I've decided my inner child is screaming and kicking in rebellion and that the excuse Queen is busy making excuses. Somewhere along the line, I'm going to kick both their butts and dig down deep and find the strong, dedicated woman I know I can be when I really want something.

I want to be different. I want to change.

I'm just so tired and feel like crap all the time. What the child and Queen don't get, is that the weight, not eating right, not exercising, or getting enough sleep is like 99.9% of it. So why can't I get with the program? Why can't I stay motivated? I do good for a few days, then I crash and burn. I've done really well with my eating the past two weeks, then yesterday I had a really bad, emotional day. What did I do? Ate caramel flavored Bugles and a Milky Way candy bar. Apparently, I'm an emotional eater and am slowly coming to this realization. Not good. Did it make me feel better? No. Well, maybe just a little bit temporarily, but so not worth the extra pound I found on the scale this morning. I just lost 10 lbs and now I backtrack 1! UGH! I'm mad at myself. But apparently not too mad....Went downstairs at work this morning to check on something and got offered a doughnut. Did I resist knowing that I'd already gained a pound? Nope. I sure didn't. Like I said...I stink at this apparently!

I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride and yo-yo dieting that I seem to be doing. I do so good for a week or two and then I sabotage myself. And I need to add some exercise in there. And I need to get more than 4 hours of sleep every night. Why is that too much to ask of myself?

I need to GET WITH THE PROGRAM! Seriously!

Someone kick me. Please! 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Weigh-In Wednesday

Finally! I'm back on track. Since I started the 2 month weight-loss challenge in August, I had gained and gained. And felt so horrible and was so incredibly mad at myself. I had gotten up to my biggest weight ever, I'm ashamed to say - 237. YIKES! I hate to put that out there, but this is all about me holding myself accountable and making a change. Well...seeing that number must have been the magic trick, cause I have seriously been watching what I eat and this morning...(drum roll please) 227. Thank you! Thank you! Nowhere near where I want to be, but at least I'm back on the right track and am losing now instead of gaining and making excuses.

I do have to admit, head down, that I've been a total slacker in the quitting smoking department. And I am disappointed with myself. (My mom will be very disappointed when she reads this too. Sorry Mom!) I had quit for over a week and I let stress take over and old habits creep back in. So, I must start over. But I AM and I will. I will not let this beat me and I WILL quit!

My second job picked back up and as soon as it's over (hopefully next week), I want to start over the C25K program. I'm scared as all get out, I won't lie. It took me 4 days for the soreness to wear off last time, but I want to do it. Now that I'm losing by controlling my eating, I want to step it up with some exercise. Plus, running will MAKE me quit smoking too. You can't be a runner and smoke, trust me. It's hard enough to breathe when you're fat and out of shape, smoking too will kill you.

I need to work on my water intake and cut out my friend, Diet Coke again. I found my long lost friend again, but she's a pain in the butt and not good for me at all. I have a feeling that this belly I'm carrying around it partly because of her. So I need to drop her again and hope to never find her again.

Change is an emotional roller coaster. And me and my excuses have taken me on quite a ride since I started this journey. Part of me feels like a failure, but the rational part of me, realizes that I'm human. I have made mistakes, and I have paid for them. This time though, instead of giving up, I've have continued to persevere and just start all over again. And I will continue to do so when I mess up again. Sooner or later, my brain will catch on, and a newer, healthier me will emerge.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Mundane Monday

I suck. Seriously.

Last week on Monday, I did W1D1 of C25K and then did 30DS. Tuesday had problems getting up from the toilet, my legs hurt so bad. I apparently am so far out of shape that I almost killed myself overdoing it. It was Friday before I could get up from a seated position without screaming in my head.

My little angel got sick Tuesday and got sent home with a fever. Hooked her up with some Tylenol and she seemed fine the rest of the night. Lunch time Wednesday, got sent home again. This time with a warning from the school nurse that she was not allowed to come back to school until she was 24 hours fever free. So there went going to school Thursday. So Thursday, I took her to doctor. He said that she either had a cold or virus, but either way just had to run it's course - no meds. But still couldn't break her fever. So there goes Friday. No school for her and no work for me.

Needless to say. I ate like crap. And Monday was the only exercise I got in. But I had to work my second job this weekend and honestly didn't have a whole lot of time to eat. And it was so late when I got home last night, I didn't need to eat supper, so I opted for a protein shake instead. Somehow miraculously, I am down in weight for the first time in weeks on a Monday. WOOOOHOOOOO! That is awesome! And I'm actually down some of the weight I initially gained back instead of losing when I started on this journey. Finally!

Now if I can just keep up this momentum...

Joe packed me an awesome lunch! Breakfast - Nature Vally Oat N Honey Bar and a Banana. Snacks - Low Fat String Cheese Stick, Raw Baby Carrots, and some Baby Pickles. Lunch - Turkey Sandwich! Y'all, I have an amazing husband, for reals. I have to be at work at 7 and him at 8. So he gets up and fixes my lunch and gets the kids all ready and takes them to school. How AWESOME is that! I'm so in love. We are truly partners and help each other out. I am so blessed! Don't get me wrong, I'd be lying if I said we don't have our "moments", but for the most part it's all good.

So if I can drink my water and eat a sensible dinner, I should be right on track! Only thing standing in my way is me. Hope that heifer will get out of my way. Might need to push her down!

Y'all have a great week! 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Motivation Monday...

I'm not sure what happened...

I've been looking for motivation. Haven't been able to find it...

It found me...

Yesterday, when I got off work, I made a split-second decision to run home, change clothes, and go to the track and run. I did C25K W1D1. And holy moly!! Did it ever kick my butt! Let me just say, if you have gained 40 lbs since you last ran and haven't ran in over a year, this is on the borderline of self-torture. The first couple of 60 second runs and 90 seconds brisk walks weren't incredibly bad. When the app on my phone stated I was halfway, I thought to myself, "I can do this!" Then it became harder and harder. My lower back started hurting, my legs started burning, and I couldn't breathe. But I was bound and determined to finish. The last set came and it was all I could do to breathe, and it was hurting so bad, I didn't know if I could finish. I prayed the lady on my phone would tell me I could stop. Prayed I could hold out until she did. Please make it stop! I can...I can't...Push yourself...Tears welling up in my eyes...But I DID IT! When the last run was over and it was cool down time, it was all I could do to keep walking...My legs were burning and had the tinglies, my heart was pounding so hard surely everyone could hear it, and I couldn't breathe. I managed to slowly creep back to the car and get in. I sat there in the seat, trying to drink water in between gasps for air. I wanted to die! Slowly, my heart slowed and my breathing slowed to normal and I realized that I had planned on going to the grocery store before I had to pick up the kids.

Halfway to Wally World, I realize that I'm almost out of gas, so I turn into the gas station and climb out of the car. I look down to realize that I've sweated so much that it looks like I've peed in my pants. GREAT! And I need to go to the store...Kill me please. Pumped gas and get back in the car...maybe if I point the air vents at my crotch and sit with my legs spread, it will dry some and not look so bad? I want to be proud of myself for running, but I'm wandering around town with what looks like peepee pants. Woohoo! I call my hubby because he's apparently text me sometime in the last 30 mins. He asked me what I was doing...Finally he convinces me (didn't take much) that I need to go get the kids and that groceries can wait until tomorrow. Inner voice in my head is screaming "Thank you Jesus!" Now I just have to face the people at the after school program (at a church) with my peepee pants.

I get to the center and get out of the car. I try to pull my capris up as high as they will go and my shirt down as far as it would go and walk in to get the kids. No one seems to notice my pants...Awesome! Let's get out of here. YAY!!! Doing a little dance in my head!

Get home and have a million things to do...fix the kids some grub. Start a load of laundry. Collect all the trash. Clean up the kitchen. Then it hits me...I'm not done yet! I need to start 30 Day Shred! I can do it! The kids are playing video games. So, I unwrap the DVD and plop it in. And just for you who don't know, this is a Jillian Michaels video. Jillian from the Biggest Loser. She's psycho! For reals! This is a 20 minute workout designed for those of us who don't have any minutes to spare in their days for maximum results in minimal time. 8 minutes in, I want to kill that B$%^& ! Seriously! 8 minutes 48 secs...hit the pause button, gasping for air. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! AM I CRAZY! I'm so out of shape! But I want to finish. I can do this. PLAY. 12 mins in...PAUSE. Gasping for air, the kids are calling me to fix something. Thank you! Thank you! Saved by the kids. Their video game is stuck...Fix their game, throw the clothes in the dryer and start another load. Then I walk back to the living room and stare at the paused DVD...Inside my head - "you need to finish. I don't want to. You need to finish. No. Do it. No. Now! You're almost done. How hard can it be? Fine!!!" Just so you know, I hate the me that convinced me to finish. But, I finished, if you can call it that. I ended up pausing the video twice and didn't do all the exercises the whole time. You ever tried to do butt kicks running in place with tennis shoes on thick carpet? And me, Miss Coordination, has a hard time doing two exercises at once. Bicep curls while balancing to do lunges, that's a tall feat for me. I have no balance, I walk in the sides of doorways and bump into things that I already know are there all the time. You want me to do what????

I did what I could. And that's what matters.

What really worries me is who's going to help me off the toilet when I have to go? My legs are dead weight and sore. If I have to sit on a toilet, I honestly don't know if my legs will help me off.

I'm going to try to walk tonight and walk some of the soreness out. I'm drinking my water, drinking my water.

Have a great Tuesday!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Excuses, Excuses

My husband recently had a conversation with me about making excuses and his realization of making excuses for himself. But I've been thinking about it for a couple of days. And I have come to the conclusion, that I may be "The Queen of Excuses".

I started on this journey to change myself. And I still want to change myself, but I'm thinking that the next change I make may need to be my knack for making excuses...I've come to realize that I can make an excuse for anything.

 - I had to work late, or I didn't get enough sleep...that's why it's OK to drink this Mountain Dew or Diet Coke. I need the caffeine.
 - I have to rush home and make dinner, or wash clothes, or work late...that's why I didn't have time to work out today.
 - I'll watch what I eat tomorrow, I've had a rough day, or I don't have time to make something healthy...it's OK to eat junk.
 - I have 2 million things to do, kids, husband, clothes...it's OK not to good to bed on time tonight.

and on and on it goes.

Somebody slap me! I'm on Week 6 of a 2 month weight-loss challenge and I have NOT done jack! I've even gained...WTH!!!! Get it together Connie! Life HAPPENS! Get over it! Nobody said that this would be easy, but WAH WAH, need some cheese with that WHINE???

I need to get over myself, something serious! And get with the program!!!!

I want to change! I do! I swear! I hate being fat and my clothes not fitting! I hate not being able to breathe because of smoking and being so very out of shape! I hate feeling like crap and tired all the time because I'm overweight, don't get enough sleep, eat bad, and not in shape.

I need motivation!!!! Why do I keep doing this to myself?