Friday, December 14, 2012

Friday...are you really here? Or am I dreaming?

I pretty much suck at it all...

But I know this, and am really trying to get better. And to quote my favorite childhood cartoon - "knowing is half the battle!" G.I.Joe!

I haven't lost any weight. Christmas cookies, Christmas dinners, sweets, snacks...I have shoved it all in my face, only to regret it the next morning when the scale screams at me. And it is SOOOO screaming at me...ugh!

I'm a complete mess. Really...

And I've decided with Christmas shopping, kids and last minute school stuff, work, and the fact we haven't even finished decorating for Christmas, and crazy relatives not wanting to work with us on splitting our time for Christmas between our other family members, that I am not going to be able to work on me until the new year. Which by the way is slowly sucking the life out of me and making me not want to even have Christmas, but that's a whole 'nother ball of wax and probably best if not discussed on a public forum. And I seriously can't handle another "poo" storm if the parties involved read my blog and get offended. So...I'll have to keep the cork on that one.

So, instead of screaming, crying, or burning Christmas trees in protest, I will just work on the plan for me starting New Years Day.

1. I will quit smoking officially on January 1st. Period. I'm done. I've cut back and even quit 3 times I think this year, but I will throw away all cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, whatever and be done. I hate smoking. The whole situation is ridiculous and I know it. I hate not being able to breathe, hate not being able to walk up the stairs and not be winded, I hate the smell, I hate the taste, and for some reason unbeknownst to me, I still do it. So. I am setting a date and sticking to it. And if any of you catch me smoking, just shoot me and put me out of my misery. Seriously. If I'm smoking, I'm already killing myself, just shoot me and make it quicker.

2. I will drink more water. I am going to get back on this train and not get off. I will wean myself off caffeine if it kills me. Diet Coke, we are getting a divorce. For real. No more. Can't do it. I am sick and tired of feeling like absolute crap if I don't drink caffeine and soda is so horribly bad for your body. So. You gotta go. And the water will help me in so many ways...make me feel full longer, make my skin look better, and help my body function.

3. I will watch what I eat. They say " you are what you eat". So that complete explains why I feel like crap all the time. I eat crap. Chips, chocolate, you name it. Everything you consider bad for you is probably currently in my diet. No more. Done. It will help me feel better and help me battle the weight that I can't wait to get off.

4. I will find time for me to exercise. I tired of feeling like crap. Feeling like I look like crap because I can't stand the person staring back at me in the mirror. The only way I'm going to make any serious headway with losing weight is to exercise. And I will feel better and probably sleep better. And I am officially refusing to buy any clothes bigger than what I'm wearing now. I have a closet full of clothes that I could wear if I'd just get of my butt and exercise.

So, I guess you could say these are my New Years Resolutions. In reality they are my Life Resolutions. I started on this path quite some time ago, but feel like I've just run into road block after road block. But that's life! I'm not stopping tho, I'm just going to have to get creative and either find a way around or cut down my own darn path or plow through the road block with a vengeance. Either way, I'm going to win. This journey is about me and how I feel about me and what I want to get out of my life. And I'm not where I want to be, so it's time to make a change.

So here's to Changing Connie...




Friday, December 7, 2012

Friday....FINALLY!

I think I just may make it....

I think I can...
I think I can...

I think I am almost over the worst sinus infection the planet has ever seen. Like, seriously. Most of those days if I didn't just want to die from not being able to breathe, I wanted to die from the humiliation of coughing so hard and violently that I had a hard time controlling my bladder...if I started a coughing fit, it was a race to the bathroom to try and make it to the pot before I wet myself...horrible and humiliating. Short of full-blown pneumonia, the sickest I've ever been. I'm going on my fourth week of this mess. Been to the doctor twice, 2 shots, 2 rounds of antibiotics, and endless nose sprays, sinus rinses, vapor rubs and steams...but I'm slowly rejoining the land of the living.

Meanwhile...

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!

I so seriously need to get it in gear. Hubby and I are going to attempt to do all of our Christmas shopping tonight and in the morning and be done with it. I pray we are successful. Honestly, it's the hardest part for me...trying to figure out what to get everyone. I really am for the most part a very thoughtful person, so I want my gift to be thoughtful and meaningful and something the person would actually enjoy. I seriously need to get my crap together next year, and start with a list in January and knock it off a little each month. But if you know me at all, you know that such things are procrastinated in my world and that's why we end up fighting the crazies 2 weeks before Christmas. I guess it could be worse...I could wait til Christmas eve, but I know me... and me and crowds...not so pretty. I don't like being touched by strangers, bumped accidentally, or cramped up together standing in line. I'd probably wind up in a looney bin somewhere.

I need to get my butt in gear on the "Changing Connie" front too. My goals and determination went out the door with the "KILL HER" sinus infection. I did cut the smoking back down, but my will had nothing to do with it. The fact I couldn't already breathe totally did. But...no weight loss...no exercise...I haven't even been to church in the last 2 weeks. Need a serious kick in the butt and pick me up. Hopefully I'll get back in the game Monday. If not feeling better soon, I may need to turn my "Changing Connie" goals into New Year's resolutions.


Everyone have a great weekend!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Persistence and Patience

Stepped on the scale Sunday, scared to death to see the damage I had done with my "no holds barred" eating. Excitingly enough, I had only gained back the 3 lbs I had just lost the week before. Whew! I can do that again, no problem!

Got on the scale this morning...already back down 2 lbs. Only 1 more to get back my pre-Thanksgiving weight! WOOHOO! Holla!

Now back to losing the other 83 pounds I want to lose. But...everything in moderation. Small goals. My first goal is to lose 20 lbs. And I'm already down 2. Then to get back under 200. I could actually wear some of the clothes in my closet I've been desperately hanging onto if I can do that! It would be like having a whole new wardrobe!

I've been thinking a whole lot about persistence and patience lately.

 * I was born with persistence, it's a natural God-given ability of mine. If I set my mind on doing something, you'd have to kill me to make me stop. Serious talk. No joke. So why can I not apply that persistence to losing weight? Love of food? Laziness? I have seriously got to figure this out so I can get in the right mindset.

 * Patience on the other hand, has alluded me my whole entire life. And it may have something to do with me giving up so easily. I have no patience. Whatsoever. At all. Patience, oh Patience, where are you?

So I've decided that it is high time I kicked myself into gear.

I will not let FOOD beat me!

I will not let LAZINESS control my life!

I will one day look into the mirror and find myself looking back at me again!

So Operation Changing Connie is a GO! We are back on a mission.

Today - working on getting back in the habit of drinking my water and counting calories. And hopefully find some time to throw some exercise in there.

Happy Losing!






Wednesday, November 21, 2012

And the Leibster Award goes to.....



I got nominated for an award today! Woohoo!!!

I want to thank the one who nominated me: Samantha Griffin 

Apparently there are rules:
1) If you were nominated, post 11 things about yourselves.
2) Then answer the 11 questions the person who nominated you created.
3) Create 11 more question to ask the bloggers you decided to nominate.
4) Choose 11 bloggers to nominate with less than 200 followers.
5) Make sure and let these people know you nominated them! No tag backs, so don't nominate someone who nominated you.

11 Things about Me:
1) I met my husband on eHarmony. Best thing that ever happened to me!
2) I have an obsession with roses. I have 5 tattoos and all have roses in them.
3) I have way too much education - 3 Associates of Applied Technology, 3 Technical Certificates of Credit, and 3 Diplomas - all in computer-related stuff from a technical college. Then I decided to go back and get a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Information Systems. Oh....and I have 3 computer certifications : A+, Net +, and Microsoft Excel. (Basically, I'm a certified computer nerd)
4) I love to cross stitch, I just never have time anymore.
5) I was a bartender for almost 15 years. Til I got it together and finished school. Miss the busyness and constantly meeting people, but not the hours.
6) I've been on 2 mission trips. One to the Bahamas and one to Honduras. Best life changing experiences in my life! I recommend that everyone have that experience.
7) I play the Oboe and can piddle on the piano. My daughter took piano lessons from the same lady that taught me and is playing my oboe in band at school. (proud mama here!)
8) I have a ridiculously silly sense of humor.
9) I am allergic to ketchup. Like seriously, life-threatening, drive to the hospital, anaphylactic shock allergic. So I have to get creative with condiments.
10) I love to read. I have a book with me at all times, unfortunately I'm so busy I've been carrying around the same book for about 2 months now.
11) I hate to cook but love to bake. I mean HATE to cook! But I do it anyway because I have a husband and kids and somebody's got to feed them, and Ima guessing that somebody happens to be me most of the time since I get home before my husband and he picks up the kids.

11 questions from the person who nominated me:
1. Are you an early bird or night owl? NIGHT OWL - which sucks because I have to be at work at 7am.

2. Where would you like to travel to? (anywhere in the world and any time period!) Ireland - now (as in right now)
3.  What book as a child did you love the most? Nancy Drew books (the inner child in me likes to play the interactive Nancy Drew computer games.
4. What do you struggle with? (meant to be a broad question) My weight - but I've found an awesome group of ladies at Mama Laughlin's Fit Camp on Facebook and I religiously read her blog: Mama Laughlin.
5. If you had three more days to live, what would be the first thing you did? Gather all my friends and family and share what time I had left with them.
6. Do you talk on the phone or text more? Text
7. What was the address to the first email account you ever made? cmthrift@hotmail.com - still have it, but rarely check it.
8. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? What do you want to be now? I wanted to be a dancer/school teacher/momma. Now I want to be RICH and a world traveler.
9. What are you currently obsessed with? Pinterest
10. Are you: team Edward,  team Jacob, or team I don't care? Team I don't really care.
11. When was the last time you read a great book? What was it? 2 months ago - Karen Kingsbury 
 Forever Faithful Trigology.

 


 11 questions for the people I nominate:
1) Are you a coffee or tea kinda gal?
2) Have you ever left the continent you were born on?
3) Which fairytale is your favorite and why?
4) Who inspires you?
5) Describe yourself in 3 words.
6) How old were you when you had your "first" kiss?
7) What food do you absolutely refuse to eat?
8) What beauty product can you not live without?
9) What is one thing that you swore you would never do...and did?
10) What is your biggest pet peeve?
11) If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

My 11 nominations
(I tried to find people who hadn't been nominated yet, if for some reason I've re-nominated you, my bad!)

Yvonne Feld

Victoria Grenham

Tiffany Nielson

Silvia Harrington

Susan Bergman

Stephanie Collins 

Shawna Dominguez

Savannah Holloman

Sara Phillips

Sandra Ward


Patricia Riley





 


 






 

 


 

     
  

 



 
 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Small victory, more excuses...

I am down 3 lbs! That's a big "YAY ME!"

I'm not anywhere near where I need to be. But I think that this time I have a pretty good excuse, but still...it's an excuse.

I've been fighting a sinus infection (I'm thinking the plague) for two weeks now. I can NOT get rid of this crap. Well...one day last week, I wasn't feeling good, felt really light-headed, felt like my heart was racing, was really shaky feeling. I was struggling, big time. Then that afternoon, my right arm started going numb and I couldn't feel my last 2 fingers at all. A manager overheard me telling my officemate that I wasn't feeling good and that my arm just went numb, and I was promptly escorted into someone's car and on the way to the hospital. CT scan, EKG, and blood work, and still not 100% positive what is wrong with me other than I'm NOT having a heart attack and I did NOT have a stroke. Great!

Turns out the racing heart and shakiness was some Sudafed I took to try and breathe with this confounded sinus infection. And apparently I have a pinched nerve in my neck that is causing the numbness in my arm. So I'm completely off meds right now as a personal decision. My body needs to figure this out and fight it off. And I haven't been able to see my chiropractor yet, so my arm is still going numb periodically. He is booked up with the holiday and I can't get an appt.

Good news: I'm surviving and I'm fine. And even though I may want to stick a fire house up my nose to clean out my sinuses. And I haven't exercised, but I've lost. Because I've been watching what I eat. Little worried about Thursday and being able to NOT to gain all 3 lbs back and then some. We will probably end up having lunch at one place and dinner at another. The food possibilities are endless and SCARY to me. Even if I cave, I just have to remember...everything in moderation.

I want to say CONGRATULATIONS to Mama Laughlin on her half marathon this past weekend! She is truly an inspiration. I just read her blog and have tears streaming down my face. She is AMAZING! Such an inspiration. To have an injury and push through like that...incredible. She is part of the reason, I finally started my journey of change. If she can push like that, then so can I.

Here's to all those who are on a journey of their own!





Have a Happy Thanksgiving! 


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Small Success

I did pretty well yesterday.

I've had a slight problem with Caramel Bugles lately. Seriously. They are so freaking good. The salty/sweet combination basically just melts in your mouth. I had gotten into the habit when I was having a bad day to run to the store at lunch and indulge my habit. It was seriously getting out of control.

But yesterday...I did not go to the store. No Bugles for me. And, to top that, I did not buy a Diet Coke. This is BIG, as in HUGE! Me and Diet Coke have been partners in crime for some time. And although I've tried to break up with it several times, it just keeps coming back, haunting me.

So huge victory for me yesterday. No Bugles. No Diet Coke. I did drink 2 cups of coffee and then had nothing but water at work. I accidentally forgot my breakfast yesterday, but didn't indulge in anything from the vending machine. I managed not to starve to death before lunch, and just had what I brought: midget pickles, a low-fat mozzarella cheese stick, and a turkey sandwich. Not bad, if I do say so myself.

After work, I ran home and changed and drove to the track down the street from our house. I only had 25 minutes, but managed to walk 4 laps around the track before I had to leave and go get the kiddie-poos. I just wish I knew the measurement of the track so I would know how far I walked. It seems like it is longer than a quarter-mile track, but not really sure. I've been really tempted to see if I could fit my car in there to measure...hehe. But I probably shouldn't do that.

Got up this morning and down 1 pound. Not much, but not too shabby either. Only 9 more to go to meet my mini-goal of losing 10 pounds by December.

Supposed to meet my cousin and start C25K today. We'll see how that turns out.




Monday, November 12, 2012

I'm Back!

I'm back. Sorry for the prolonged absence. I've been crazy busy. But enough with excuses...I'm back!!!!

FINALLY!

Still getting over a nasty sinus infection. But I'm not going to let it beat me.

Just finished up tech support for this last, lovely presidential election. Busy, busy. I give props to all of you who exercised your right to vote, it was the best voter turnout ever!

Still trying to buy a house. It is a short-sell, which will take time, so pray for me and my family. Pray that God's Will will be worked out either way on this one and that I will have patience with the process.

I want to say a big THANK YOU to all the veterans! THANK YOU for serving! THANK  YOU for giving your time and service. And THANK YOU to all the families of those who have and are serving. Happy Veterans Day! Thank you for our rights and religious freedoms and protecting our way of life!

I'm ready to lose this weight. I want to start running again. I'm actually getting antsy about it. I'm supposed to meet up with my cousin tomorrow to get started, but part of me is so excited that I kind of want to get started today. Maybe with just walking, but I'm already trying to work out the time needed in my head to see if I can actually fit it into my schedule today.

I'm TIRED of this weight.

I'm DISGUSTED at the person I see looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm SICK of my clothes not fitting and trying on 15 outfits to find one that doesn't make me feel like a cow everyday.

I REFUSE to buy any clothes in a bigger size.

I am WEARY of feeling like crap. Being out of breath when I climb a flight of stairs. Being tired all the time.

I AM DONE!

But I will persevere.

I WANT to feel good. When I look in the mirror. When I put on my clothes. When I run up the stairs.

I want to run. And be able to run. I want to be able to do more with my kids. I want to be a positive influence on my kids.

So why put off starting tomorrow what I can do today???

I don't think I will...

Still have the Color Vibe Run in the back of my mind....I really, really want to do it! I just don't know right now with our crazy schedules, the holidays and family visits, whether or not I will have the time or money. But I really want to try.

Regardless of whether I get to or not, I will start walking/jogging and start counting calories and drinking water. My new mini goal is to lose 10 lbs by December. I should be able to do that in 3 weeks. That's .52 lbs a day or roughly 3.33 lbs a week. I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Here's to a new start, a new day, a new week - all leading to a new ME!!!!




Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween

I apologize to all my readers, I have been slacking on the writing front.

My life is crazy, mad busy.

I do tech support for elections as a side job, and I don't know if you know this but we're about to hold a monster of an election.

My husband and I are trying to buy a house.

My aunt passed away this past weekend. The funeral is today. I believe she truly is in a better place, so I will celebrate her memory.

And with work, Halloween, making costumes, Fall Festivals, church, house hunting, and just the everyday things like cooking dinner and laundry....I'm sinking!

I haven't gained! Which is a super duper plus. But I haven't lost either...so I need to get my butt in gear. I bet many of you are wondering exactly when that will happen because it seems lately like all I have been doing is making excuses. Well, someone kick me! I need it!

I have to leave work early today to make the 2 hour drive to make the funeral. And sadly, afterwards, I will have to try and make it back quickly. Although I am going to pay my respects, I do still have children and its Halloween. And although many Christians have a problem celebrating Halloween, me and mine will celebrate with folks from our church grilling out hotdogs for the neighborhood and sharing the gospel. We let our kids dress up for the fun, but our kids know Jesus and are saved, they realize that we aren't celebrating Halloween, but just having fun. And come on, it's so fun to play dress up!

So all you Trick-or-Treaters out there be safe and have a Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Truthful Tuesday

This mind game I'm playing with myself is getting so old.

I keep thinking that I am ready to lose weight and get out there and get it done. But I don't. So obviously I don't want it as bad as I think I do. I eat very well during the week. Then the weekend gets here and its a food free-for-all. This past Friday, went out to dinner with a couple at Cracker Barrel. I splurge and have blueberry pancakes...And thought "ok, I'll just eat better the rest of the weekend". Then we get to this event at our church, "Marital Bliss" we've been wanting to go to and lo and behold - they are serving dessert. Brownies, banana pudding, cheesecake, red velvet cake, hershey kisses, all calling my name. I - CAN'T - RESIST! I wasn't even hungry. I was still full from dinner, but do I decline? No. I dive in, face first.

I feel bad about it on the way home, but rationalize that everyone is allowed a cheat day. Just tell myself to get over it and I'll eat better tomorrow. Wake up early on Saturday, starving. Husband's gone to church, daughter's still asleep. I never get to watch TV, so I decide I'll watch a show, but can't find anything easy to make for breakfast...but there's a bag of bbq potato chips on the counter. "That'll work." I eat half the bag. Then when my daughter gets up, she wants cinnamon toast. I want something sweet too. One piece won't hurt. OK, maybe two. I do this all the time. Just set myself up for failure. And eat CRAP. Because I am all for instant gratification, I guess. If I'm hungry, I want it right then. Instead of cooking or fixing something healthy for myself.

I seriously got to work on this and wrap my head around it. I didn't eat all too bad Sunday. And got right back on track yesterday. But the reason the scale is not moving for me is clearly obvious.

I am seriously working on drinking my water today. I brought my water bottle to work. And I'm trying to make myself drink it. Drank half the bottle so far. Now if I can just do this several more times today...I had gotten back to the point I was drinking 2 or 3 20oz diet sodas a day and yesterday I broke down and had a mountain dew. What am I doing? So today, I've told myself that I cannot have any soda at all until I've drank my whole water bottle and then I can't have another one until I've drank my whole water bottle again. Not perfection, but at least it's a step in the right direction.

Actually got some decent sleep last night. First time in a while. So why do I still feel like crap? (let me guess...the crap I've been shoveling in my face?) Probably. I feel more tired today than I do when I only sleep 4 or 5 hours. And I got a whole 7 hours last night.

I did manage to get a few things done last night. My daughter is turning 12 Friday and we're having her a birthday party at our house Saturday. I had all intentions of scrubbing the house down last night when I got home, but it didn't happen. I went to the dollar store to get party supplies after work. Then headed to Walmart to get some groceries and cleaning supplies. Picked up the kids and headed home. But a headache the size of Texas had crept up on me by then. My husband had gotten home and had started to mow the grass, but it started to rain, so he helped me unload the car and by then I was worthless. Took something for a headache while he fixed frozen pizzas for the kids. He cleaned up the kitchen while I sat there like a lump on a log, trying to regain control of my head. After dinner, me and the hubs did manage to fold all the laundry. But didn't even put it up. We all went to bed.

I still want to do the Color Run coming in December. I've just got to figure out how to start getting some walking/running time in there. But I will walk it if I have to. I will do it. Just really would like to be running it.

I think I will pick up my daughter early today and see if she would like to run/walk with me. Or maybe I should just go home and do it and then go get her. If she doesn't want to, it'll just give me yet another reason not to go. OK. I can do this.




Friday, October 12, 2012

Flirtatious Friday

Oh Friday, my long awaited Friday, why do you only let me see you once a week? I feel like we're having a sordid affair and I'm getting cheated. I would prefer to see you way more often. But regardless, I'm so happy to see you today.

This has been an insane week, but I have somehow survived...

Good news - Found out Ingrid Michaelson is coming to Savannah next week. Just found out Wednesday and managed to ask the hubby if he minded if I had a girls nite and got tickets with my new office mate before they were completely sold out. What luck! I'm so excited! Woohoo!

Also, found out that Savannah is having a Color Vibe 5k (aka Color Run) in December. I'm so stoked. Just found my motivation to get off my tush. I've always, always wanted to do one. I can't wait. I've requested like a million times that Color Run come to Savannah. Thanks to the spin off, we will be having one. YAY!

I've been mulling over a few things this week and come to the conclusion that Me - the Control freak Queen has let some things take control of my life. I've always prided myself on being in control and not letting unnecessary things take over. Like, when I was younger and experimented with drugs or drinking alcohol, just couldn't do it, didn't like the idea that something could possibly gain control over me. I bartended for years and it just got old seeing how stupid people could get, and how some would do it over and over again day in, day out. I never wanted to be that person. Now don't get me wrong, I've let loose quite a few times, but the next morning always taught me a lesson I apparently needed to remember - everything in moderation. And working in the restaurant industry, I was exposed to many more drugs than I ever knew existed and quite frankly wish I still didn't. But young, dumb, and curious are a bad combination, but thankfully I never got twisted up in something bad and managed to learn that wasn't a lifestyle or choice I wanted for myself. I wanted to control my life. Unfortunately, I've seen too many people go down the wrong paths. Ones I didn't want to go anywhere near.

But back to the point, I realized this week that I've unconsciously let cigarettes, caffeine, and food take control of my life. I can't go a day without caffeine, I haven't been strong enough to brave the withdrawal headache that comes. It seriously gets so bad that I can't even function and just want to go to bed. So, at least once a day, I buy a soda and drink it. Even the one time I willed myself through 3 days of horrible headaches, the first day that I was extremely tired or had to work both jobs, I turned to my long lost friend, Mr. Caffeine. Therefore, I have allowed myself to become chained to caffeine. Really! Why hasn't this dawned on me before? Same thing with cigarettes. I keep trying to quit. And I've done better this past month than I have in the past, but I haven't quit completely. I'm scared of the cravings, the withdrawal. I keep a pack in my car..."just in case". Why can't I let them go? Because I've let them control me and my behaviors. Ew! And food, this is the big one because we all have to eat to survive. But I love food. Especially sweets and salty potato chips. Both I need to let go. They are so horrible and exactly the reason I hate to look in the mirror everyday.

I know that this just seems like common sense and that I should have realized all this before maybe, but I think I just leaped over some kind of mental barrier. Maybe now I can make some serious progress. The color run will definitely help me with the smoking. I'll start training ASAP. You just can't run and be a smoker. You'll die. I mean, it's bad enough to be overweight and out of shape, add smoking to that and running is like asking an elephant to sit on your chest and breathe. You just can't do it.

So here's to mental barriers and kicking their butts!

Eat healthy! Drink water! Get off your butt and move! (feel free to tell me the same!)

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Withering Wednesday

I haven't been drinking my water.

I have eaten like a natural disaster.

I haven't found the time to exercise.

I can't even find the time to sleep more than four hours a night.

Something has seriously got to give in my life.

I can't make the changes I want for myself if I can't sleep and get some rest. It's just not possible. I'm struggling to stay awake at work for the last 3 days. Every weekend I swear that this is the week we get in bed on time and something happens every night to prevent it. Like last night. Got the kids in bed a little late, and one of them needed a shirt washed, so after taming the monkeys and my husband lying down with the youngest, I immediately start on laundry. Everything's going good and I'm thinking that I may actually get in bed shortly after 10. Go to put the laundry in the dryer and everything is PINK! Including the new Boy Scout shirt that needed to be washed. I dig through the laundry to find the culprit to no avail. What in the world? Seriously? I just started crying. Not only am I afraid that I messed up his brand new shirt, if I don't fix it tonight I'm almost positive there will be a little boy meltdown in the morning. Since I can't find what turned everything pink, I'm scared to wash everything again. Bad words are forming in my mind. OK. Wake up hubby, he might know what to do. Nope. Just preceded to get him upset that I'd messed up the laundry. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't trying to make me feel bad, but I did. So I go visit Google, my best friend, and get all kinds of crazy ideas. I go with rewashing the clothes with some vinegar. Win! Sweet! Only now it's after midnight...again. And I have to work a 18 hour day tomorrow. Great. By the time I finally lie down to sleep, it's 1 am.

I'm thinking that I need superpowers or something. I try so very hard every day to get things done so this doesn't happen. I get off work at 3:45 and depending on school traffic, can sometimes get home between 4 and 4:15, if I don't have any errands to run. When I walk in the door, I turn into a cyclone of gathering laundry, gathering everyone's trash, cooking dinner, setting the table, folding laundry, straightening up or cleaning a bathroom. If I hurry, then when the hubby and kids get home around 6:15, then we can sit down to dinner immediately. Then we can work on any homework not finished, get showers rolling, and another load of laundry. And we've been pretty good about sticking to this schedule because it is so totally working for us. Then by 8:30, we work on taking vitamins, brushing our teeth, washing our faces, sit down to read a Bible story, then prayers. The "Goal"? Kids in bed by 9. Does it happen? Ever? No. They get to acting silly, or asking a bunch of questions, or wanting something to drink because all of a sudden because they are dying of thirst, or procrastinating in some form or fashion.  We've threatened them in every way possible, even tried to start getting ready for bed earlier, but it never happens. So somewhere before 9:30 we may have them settled in. Then it's finish cleaning up the kitchen, laundry, taking out the trash, you name it, whatever has to be done. Then me and hubby actually might get a chance to have a grown up conversation and some time alone. I live in the same house as my husband and sleep in the same bed, but sometimes it feels likes its been weeks since I talked to him. I try to remember all the important things I need to tell him, like if anyone has a meeting after school or needs to be picked up anywhere besides the church they normally go to for afterschool care. So normally, we manage to crawl into bed at midnight.

And then start all over again at 5:30 am when the alarm starts screaming at me. But the last couple of days, I've been hitting snooze because I'm exhausted. And scramble around like a maniac because I have to walk out the door at 6:30 to make to work on time. And I have to shower, dry my hair, get dressed, makeup, get the kids up, and make my lunch and breakfast for the day. By the time I get to work, I feel like I've ran a marathon and need a nap. And the last 2 days I've had to do my makeup at work. I mean, I already look like I haven't slept in a year, I can use all the help I can get.

I don't know where/what to change. We rarely watch TV, I barely squeeze in reading one chapter a week for my Bible study group.

Anyone want 2 children for a week? So I can at least get enough sleep to make it through the next year? HA!

I can't afford to hire a maid...

And here I am wanting to find time to walk or workout every day. I can't even find time to sleep! UGH!

I guess I could quit cleaning and just let things pile up. Does Hoarders pay to put you on their TV show? Just kidding. I couldn't live like that. For real. Nasty...

I'm going to figure something out or die trying! I can't let this get me down. How you supermoms do it? Any advice?






Friday, October 5, 2012

Freaky Friday

I've decided that my body has a mind of its own. Seriously.

If I eat well and drink my water, the weight slowly comes off. Which, I guess, is what I'm wanting to happen.

But....

Yesterday, had a cheat day. Baaaaad cheat day. Like Funyuns and Caramel Bugles in one sitting bad day. Get on the scale this morning with dread...dum dum dum....DOWN 2 whole pounds! What The Heck! Now I know this has to be a seriously flawed freak of nature, so by no means am I going to eat like again today. But SERIOUSLY! I struggle and struggle to eat well, drink my water, and it takes a CHEAT day to make the scale move! I'm flabbergasted, for reals.

I NEED to exercise. But I seriously can't seem to find the time. Last weekend, I swore that this week I was going to find the time, somehow, somewhere. Even Monday, I blogged about a new start. But every day this week I have not been to bed before midnight, and still couldn't find time. And I get up at 5:30 every morning. I haven't even turned on the TV people. And I love me some shows - all the CSIs, Bones, NCIS...all dvr'ed and waiting on me to find some of that preciousness called time. Something's got to give. Now I need to try and find time to exercise and get more sleep. I wish cooking dinner,  doing laundry and dishes, and making kids do the homework and shower burned waaaaay more calories than it does. I would be super skinny. A girl can dream can't she?

It's Friday, at least.

Down 2 lbs and it's Friday, I should be happy. But I'm dreading this weekend. Mainly because of the food temptations that will be put before me. I have a wedding shower to go to tonight and a 2 yrs old birthday party tomorrow. Cake, chips, sugar, fat, high calories.....ugh! I'm such a food junkie. For real. I love junk food. I'm going to try really hard. Really hard. I can do this. But on the inside it will take everything I have not to revert to my old ways of diving in headfirst and regretting it later. Wish me luck! The weekends are my worst eating days already.


Have a great weekend guys!

Drink more water!



Monday, October 1, 2012

Motivation Monday

It's a new day! A new week! A new month!

Time for me to get with the program and quit making excuses and just do it!

It's the last week of ML FitCamp challenge and I'm only down 2lbs from where I started. But I had ended up gaining almost 10 lbs right after the challenge started and I've managed to get that off. I've also learned a lot about myself. So I by no means count this as a total bust. I learned what I crave, when I crave, why I crave, and how to combat those issues. I've also learned that I HAVE to make time for me - that means time to exercise. The weight is not going to fall off without it and it will make me feel 10 times better in the long run.

Hears to saying goodbye to:

- cigarettes
- yo-yo dieting
- soda
- not being able to climb the stairs without being out of breath
- not being able to wear anything smaller
- not looking like a slob (I feel like I wear everything baggy trying to hide the rolls and just end up looking like a slob)
- not taking care of myself
- not getting enough rest

Somebody...Anybody...Hold me accountable! For real! I'm having a problem doing this myself.

But here's to a new month.

I think I want to join the 100 miles in October. Which is walking/running/crawling if  you must - 100 miles in the month of October. I think I need to take baby steps. So instead of start C25K and not being able to walk for a week, I think I will try this challenge walking and then try to start C25K in November.

Anyone want to join me?

I think I want to set a goal to be under 200 by Christmas, which is a very realistic goal. So hold me to it!!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Get with the Program!!!!

I stink at this apparently!

I've decided my inner child is screaming and kicking in rebellion and that the excuse Queen is busy making excuses. Somewhere along the line, I'm going to kick both their butts and dig down deep and find the strong, dedicated woman I know I can be when I really want something.

I want to be different. I want to change.

I'm just so tired and feel like crap all the time. What the child and Queen don't get, is that the weight, not eating right, not exercising, or getting enough sleep is like 99.9% of it. So why can't I get with the program? Why can't I stay motivated? I do good for a few days, then I crash and burn. I've done really well with my eating the past two weeks, then yesterday I had a really bad, emotional day. What did I do? Ate caramel flavored Bugles and a Milky Way candy bar. Apparently, I'm an emotional eater and am slowly coming to this realization. Not good. Did it make me feel better? No. Well, maybe just a little bit temporarily, but so not worth the extra pound I found on the scale this morning. I just lost 10 lbs and now I backtrack 1! UGH! I'm mad at myself. But apparently not too mad....Went downstairs at work this morning to check on something and got offered a doughnut. Did I resist knowing that I'd already gained a pound? Nope. I sure didn't. Like I said...I stink at this apparently!

I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride and yo-yo dieting that I seem to be doing. I do so good for a week or two and then I sabotage myself. And I need to add some exercise in there. And I need to get more than 4 hours of sleep every night. Why is that too much to ask of myself?

I need to GET WITH THE PROGRAM! Seriously!

Someone kick me. Please! 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Weigh-In Wednesday

Finally! I'm back on track. Since I started the 2 month weight-loss challenge in August, I had gained and gained. And felt so horrible and was so incredibly mad at myself. I had gotten up to my biggest weight ever, I'm ashamed to say - 237. YIKES! I hate to put that out there, but this is all about me holding myself accountable and making a change. Well...seeing that number must have been the magic trick, cause I have seriously been watching what I eat and this morning...(drum roll please) 227. Thank you! Thank you! Nowhere near where I want to be, but at least I'm back on the right track and am losing now instead of gaining and making excuses.

I do have to admit, head down, that I've been a total slacker in the quitting smoking department. And I am disappointed with myself. (My mom will be very disappointed when she reads this too. Sorry Mom!) I had quit for over a week and I let stress take over and old habits creep back in. So, I must start over. But I AM and I will. I will not let this beat me and I WILL quit!

My second job picked back up and as soon as it's over (hopefully next week), I want to start over the C25K program. I'm scared as all get out, I won't lie. It took me 4 days for the soreness to wear off last time, but I want to do it. Now that I'm losing by controlling my eating, I want to step it up with some exercise. Plus, running will MAKE me quit smoking too. You can't be a runner and smoke, trust me. It's hard enough to breathe when you're fat and out of shape, smoking too will kill you.

I need to work on my water intake and cut out my friend, Diet Coke again. I found my long lost friend again, but she's a pain in the butt and not good for me at all. I have a feeling that this belly I'm carrying around it partly because of her. So I need to drop her again and hope to never find her again.

Change is an emotional roller coaster. And me and my excuses have taken me on quite a ride since I started this journey. Part of me feels like a failure, but the rational part of me, realizes that I'm human. I have made mistakes, and I have paid for them. This time though, instead of giving up, I've have continued to persevere and just start all over again. And I will continue to do so when I mess up again. Sooner or later, my brain will catch on, and a newer, healthier me will emerge.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Mundane Monday

I suck. Seriously.

Last week on Monday, I did W1D1 of C25K and then did 30DS. Tuesday had problems getting up from the toilet, my legs hurt so bad. I apparently am so far out of shape that I almost killed myself overdoing it. It was Friday before I could get up from a seated position without screaming in my head.

My little angel got sick Tuesday and got sent home with a fever. Hooked her up with some Tylenol and she seemed fine the rest of the night. Lunch time Wednesday, got sent home again. This time with a warning from the school nurse that she was not allowed to come back to school until she was 24 hours fever free. So there went going to school Thursday. So Thursday, I took her to doctor. He said that she either had a cold or virus, but either way just had to run it's course - no meds. But still couldn't break her fever. So there goes Friday. No school for her and no work for me.

Needless to say. I ate like crap. And Monday was the only exercise I got in. But I had to work my second job this weekend and honestly didn't have a whole lot of time to eat. And it was so late when I got home last night, I didn't need to eat supper, so I opted for a protein shake instead. Somehow miraculously, I am down in weight for the first time in weeks on a Monday. WOOOOHOOOOO! That is awesome! And I'm actually down some of the weight I initially gained back instead of losing when I started on this journey. Finally!

Now if I can just keep up this momentum...

Joe packed me an awesome lunch! Breakfast - Nature Vally Oat N Honey Bar and a Banana. Snacks - Low Fat String Cheese Stick, Raw Baby Carrots, and some Baby Pickles. Lunch - Turkey Sandwich! Y'all, I have an amazing husband, for reals. I have to be at work at 7 and him at 8. So he gets up and fixes my lunch and gets the kids all ready and takes them to school. How AWESOME is that! I'm so in love. We are truly partners and help each other out. I am so blessed! Don't get me wrong, I'd be lying if I said we don't have our "moments", but for the most part it's all good.

So if I can drink my water and eat a sensible dinner, I should be right on track! Only thing standing in my way is me. Hope that heifer will get out of my way. Might need to push her down!

Y'all have a great week! 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Motivation Monday...

I'm not sure what happened...

I've been looking for motivation. Haven't been able to find it...

It found me...

Yesterday, when I got off work, I made a split-second decision to run home, change clothes, and go to the track and run. I did C25K W1D1. And holy moly!! Did it ever kick my butt! Let me just say, if you have gained 40 lbs since you last ran and haven't ran in over a year, this is on the borderline of self-torture. The first couple of 60 second runs and 90 seconds brisk walks weren't incredibly bad. When the app on my phone stated I was halfway, I thought to myself, "I can do this!" Then it became harder and harder. My lower back started hurting, my legs started burning, and I couldn't breathe. But I was bound and determined to finish. The last set came and it was all I could do to breathe, and it was hurting so bad, I didn't know if I could finish. I prayed the lady on my phone would tell me I could stop. Prayed I could hold out until she did. Please make it stop! I can...I can't...Push yourself...Tears welling up in my eyes...But I DID IT! When the last run was over and it was cool down time, it was all I could do to keep walking...My legs were burning and had the tinglies, my heart was pounding so hard surely everyone could hear it, and I couldn't breathe. I managed to slowly creep back to the car and get in. I sat there in the seat, trying to drink water in between gasps for air. I wanted to die! Slowly, my heart slowed and my breathing slowed to normal and I realized that I had planned on going to the grocery store before I had to pick up the kids.

Halfway to Wally World, I realize that I'm almost out of gas, so I turn into the gas station and climb out of the car. I look down to realize that I've sweated so much that it looks like I've peed in my pants. GREAT! And I need to go to the store...Kill me please. Pumped gas and get back in the car...maybe if I point the air vents at my crotch and sit with my legs spread, it will dry some and not look so bad? I want to be proud of myself for running, but I'm wandering around town with what looks like peepee pants. Woohoo! I call my hubby because he's apparently text me sometime in the last 30 mins. He asked me what I was doing...Finally he convinces me (didn't take much) that I need to go get the kids and that groceries can wait until tomorrow. Inner voice in my head is screaming "Thank you Jesus!" Now I just have to face the people at the after school program (at a church) with my peepee pants.

I get to the center and get out of the car. I try to pull my capris up as high as they will go and my shirt down as far as it would go and walk in to get the kids. No one seems to notice my pants...Awesome! Let's get out of here. YAY!!! Doing a little dance in my head!

Get home and have a million things to do...fix the kids some grub. Start a load of laundry. Collect all the trash. Clean up the kitchen. Then it hits me...I'm not done yet! I need to start 30 Day Shred! I can do it! The kids are playing video games. So, I unwrap the DVD and plop it in. And just for you who don't know, this is a Jillian Michaels video. Jillian from the Biggest Loser. She's psycho! For reals! This is a 20 minute workout designed for those of us who don't have any minutes to spare in their days for maximum results in minimal time. 8 minutes in, I want to kill that B$%^& ! Seriously! 8 minutes 48 secs...hit the pause button, gasping for air. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! AM I CRAZY! I'm so out of shape! But I want to finish. I can do this. PLAY. 12 mins in...PAUSE. Gasping for air, the kids are calling me to fix something. Thank you! Thank you! Saved by the kids. Their video game is stuck...Fix their game, throw the clothes in the dryer and start another load. Then I walk back to the living room and stare at the paused DVD...Inside my head - "you need to finish. I don't want to. You need to finish. No. Do it. No. Now! You're almost done. How hard can it be? Fine!!!" Just so you know, I hate the me that convinced me to finish. But, I finished, if you can call it that. I ended up pausing the video twice and didn't do all the exercises the whole time. You ever tried to do butt kicks running in place with tennis shoes on thick carpet? And me, Miss Coordination, has a hard time doing two exercises at once. Bicep curls while balancing to do lunges, that's a tall feat for me. I have no balance, I walk in the sides of doorways and bump into things that I already know are there all the time. You want me to do what????

I did what I could. And that's what matters.

What really worries me is who's going to help me off the toilet when I have to go? My legs are dead weight and sore. If I have to sit on a toilet, I honestly don't know if my legs will help me off.

I'm going to try to walk tonight and walk some of the soreness out. I'm drinking my water, drinking my water.

Have a great Tuesday!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Excuses, Excuses

My husband recently had a conversation with me about making excuses and his realization of making excuses for himself. But I've been thinking about it for a couple of days. And I have come to the conclusion, that I may be "The Queen of Excuses".

I started on this journey to change myself. And I still want to change myself, but I'm thinking that the next change I make may need to be my knack for making excuses...I've come to realize that I can make an excuse for anything.

 - I had to work late, or I didn't get enough sleep...that's why it's OK to drink this Mountain Dew or Diet Coke. I need the caffeine.
 - I have to rush home and make dinner, or wash clothes, or work late...that's why I didn't have time to work out today.
 - I'll watch what I eat tomorrow, I've had a rough day, or I don't have time to make something healthy...it's OK to eat junk.
 - I have 2 million things to do, kids, husband, clothes...it's OK not to good to bed on time tonight.

and on and on it goes.

Somebody slap me! I'm on Week 6 of a 2 month weight-loss challenge and I have NOT done jack! I've even gained...WTH!!!! Get it together Connie! Life HAPPENS! Get over it! Nobody said that this would be easy, but WAH WAH, need some cheese with that WHINE???

I need to get over myself, something serious! And get with the program!!!!

I want to change! I do! I swear! I hate being fat and my clothes not fitting! I hate not being able to breathe because of smoking and being so very out of shape! I hate feeling like crap and tired all the time because I'm overweight, don't get enough sleep, eat bad, and not in shape.

I need motivation!!!! Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Friday, August 31, 2012

It's Friday! It's Friday!

I'm on Day 5 of no smoking!

Take that!

Woohoo!

And I feel better already. Finally. This is been one heck of a roller coaster riding week. My emotions have been all over the place. There have been moments when I wanted to crawl out of my own skin because of the nicotine cravings making me absolutely crazy. I have been in moments of crazy tears and madness because I wanted to smoke but tried to will myself not to...But today....today I feel better. I'm still chewing gum like it's going out of style, but I feel better.

Today, I noticed I'm not breathing as hard as I normally do. That I don't seem as winded maybe. And I'm really thinking that starting the C25K soon will go over way more smoothly for me because I can breathe.

I still have millions of things to work on and get back to working on, but I think that I've almost conquered this one. And I'm just getting plain ole giddy thinking about the money we are going to save. With both my husband and I smoking, we were easily spending $60 - $80 a week on cigarettes. I'm going to try and start putting that much into our savings account each week and see if we can't save up some moolah!

And for the first day in quite some time...I drank all my water today! Woohoo! Go me! And stuck to good eating habits thus far today. But unfortunately (and fortunately), the kids will be away this weekend and my hubby is taking me on a date tonight. I can only imagine the calorie damage...but I AM NOT going to feel guilty about it! I quit smoking this week! YAY me! I can worry about working on my diet and exercise next week,,,This weekend is MINE! And it's a 3 day weekend because of the holiday...

Go have some fun peeps! I definitely am going to try to.

Don't forget to check out the night sky tonight - It's supposed to be a BLUE MOON...and it only happens once in a blue moon!!! LOL!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Thunderous Thursday

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

It's been raining here almost every day for a month. The one day that it was all sunny and beautiful, was the one day I ended up having to work on a Saturday at my new job...Got to love it! I think Murphy's Law applies explicitly to my life sometimes.

I'm one Day 4 of not smoking! Hanging in there. Haven't killed anyone, which I think is a big deal on my part. And probably the hardest part. My husband is quitting too. And I think we both are very emotional and getting on each others nerves, but I kind of expected it with us quitting at the same time. There are moments when I really  want to smoke. But then there are moments that I realize I haven't thought about smoking for hours and think that this is way easier than I thought it would be. Regardless, I should be in the clear here pretty soon. I've read that your body flushes out and quits craving nicotine in about 72 hours. So I should be out of the craving stage. It's the habit I now need to work on, they say it takes like 28 days to form a solid habit? I think. Not sure on that one, but if that's the case then I have about 24 more days of not smoking to form the habit of not smoking.

I've been really sick. Of course, I quit smoking, start on a journey of getting healthy and get sick. Got a sinus infection. A nasty one. Put me down. For real. I left work Tuesday morn and went to the doc, got my prescription filled and went home and laid down at noon. I briefly remember my husband coming in and talking to me, but I didn't wake up again until 5:30 Wed morn. 15 1/2 hours of sleep. Not once did I get up, to pee, to drink, to eat, nothing. My back hurt so bad and I was so dehydrated when I got up, not sure my body accomplished anything on that resting binge it decided to take.

I have been drinking some water. Not all my water. And I've drank caffeine and ate badly. Now that I've almost got this smoking thing kicked in the butt, I think it's time to start kicking some healthy eating and drinking habits butts. And I have done no exercise yet. At all. I know. I know....I need to work on that. Like ASAP.

One change down. Like a billion to go! LOL! Hey, I'm one step in the right direction!!!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Wacky Wednesday

I am on Day 3 of not smoking!

Can't say that it's been easy. Can't say that I feel better. I have managed to get a sinus infection and it pretty much laid me out yesterday. Can't say that I don't want to smoke, but I'll get there.

One day at a time.

Sorry for the short post. Been trying to drink my water. Have wanted to eat everything in sight. Trying viciously not to do that. Got sick and then slept for like 18 hours straight.

But...I'm not smoking!


Monday, August 27, 2012

Manic Monday and ME

We all know....I hate Mondays! But this particular one may just best me yet.

I QUIT SMOKING TODAY!

And....it's making me NUTS! Like seriously. Full blown panic mode, feeling really crazy, feeling like I don't belong in my own skin. NUTS! OMGosh! I feel mentally challenged. Currently, I am sitting at work, rocking back and forth in my chair, because I can't figure out what to do with myself. I want to smoke. I want to scream. I don't want to smoke because I don't want to start Day 1 all over again tomorrow. I want to scream. I know that cold turkey is hard, but I really couldn't see the point of chewing nicotine gums or using nicotine patches, only to have yet another thing I have to break the addiction from.

I have almost drank my water today. Which is good. But I've eaten bad. Not just bad.....but baaaaaaaaaaaad! I think that I've almost ate an entire box of Zesty Salsa Wheat Thins. And I've chewed at least 20 pieces of gum today. But if that means I'm not smoking, I'll take it. I can deal with the weight loss later.


 I was going to start my exercise today, but I've been very sick. Laid in bed or on the couch all day yesterday. Had a slight cough and sniffle, then got a major headache, then ending losing my dinner. Hanging in there, but feeling a little puny still today. So I'll give myself another day of rest and go from there.

My goals today: Not smoke. Not kill anyone. Drink my water. That should suffice today.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Scared Straight!

Nothing like a good ole scare to pump everything back into perspective...

Yesterday, my husband got rushed from work in an ambulance having severe chest pains. And because we both smoke, of course I'm scared he's having a heart attack. Luckily, he's fine. Take that back...Thank God he's fine! Luck had nothing to do with it. He has ribcage inflammation, which is painful, but not as serious as a heart attack. Thinking that I may lose my husband to a nasty habit we both possess, scared me to death. So...quitting smoking has been put first and foremost on the list of changes to make. Monday is our quit day. Period. Got to do it. I never want to worry about our health again because of something we are doing to ourselves.

Today is my last day of both jobs for awhile. Will have a break for a month or two before I have to start it back up again. YAY! Going to try and get some rest this weekend and start up with some 30DS Monday as well. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited because I really haven't had time for me and I'm so ready for the number on the scale to start going down. Scared because everyone says Jillian will kill you.

So it's looking like Monday will begin the changes I've been trying to talk myself into making for some time. I've been lackadaisically working on them since the beginning of the month and the beginning of the 60 day fitness challenge, but I'm about to kick it into high gear. Thinking that I may lose my husband made changing our lives for the healthier a much bigger priority. The smoking, my being overweight, not getting enough sleep, not eating healthy....going out the window baby! Here comes a smoke-free, exercising, eating healthy, drinking water, getting the proper rest lifestyle. Can't wait! I know it will be hard, but so very worth it in the long run. I am ready to not feel like crap all the time.

And I realized this week...I've just really let myself go. I mean I bathe and take care of my personal hygiene and stuff, but making the extra effort to look nice has kinda been lost along the way. Firstly, at my size it doesn't matter what I wear, I feel like a slob. I feel like I'm always wearing a moo-moo trying to cover up the fat rolls. Even when I dress up, I feel like I'm just trying to hide my body. So I finally just said what's the point? and started wearing jeans and over-sized t shirts all the time. Luckily I can do that with my job.What does it matter when no matter what I do, I feel like I look like a slob anyway? And my hair...I have oily skin and hair and have to practically wash my hair every day. Since I already look like a slob, why bother with that either? So, I think I wear a ponytail at least 3 or 4 days a week...sad I know. When I was skinny, I used to take so much pride in how I looked. I wouldn't even run to the convenience store to get gas without make-up on. What happened? Why did I let myself get to this point?

Regardless...I'm just ready to feel good and feel good about myself. Can't wait!

Here I come! It'll be nice one day to see ME, the ME I used to be, the pretty ME, looking back in the mirror again!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday...Kill me please!

Have I mentioned I hate Mondays?

The weekends are never long enough...but when it comes to my eating on the weekends...maybe they are too long.

Took my daughter out Friday night for a Mommy & Me date. Didn't eat too bad, but ate out. Had some Japanese teriyaki chicken and some cabbage and a little rice. It was the stop at Savannah Sweets that should have never happened. It should be illegal to display fresh fudge in front of fat girls. Could I say no? Nope, not me, not that day! Thinking I need some work on the willpower. For sure!

Saturday rolls around...it's my Mom's birthday. And the easiest way to gather my family together for a special occasion? Dangle food in front of them! Mom's favorite place to eat? Red Lobster. Did I eat well? Ummmm...no. Popcorn Shrimp and a baked potato. I did throw a salad in there, but the basket of cheddar/garlic biscuits probably sucked all the good out that choice. Did I feel guilty and disgustingly full? Yep. Did that help me conquer Sunday? Nope.

Sunday...I should just hang my head in shame. We invited a friend of my husband and his wife to church. So we go to church early and meet them in the little coffee lounge. Coffee and cream cheese danish...then after church we didn't want the excitement to end...so "You want go to lunch?" Sure. Mexican? Here we come! All that cheesy, hot goodness...who can say no? I think I need a padded cell!

I wanna lose weight. I really, really want to find my face under my fourteen chins that I've now grown so I can actually recognize myself in the mirror. Find the cheekbones I once had, long buried underneath this chipmunk cheeks I have now. But I feel like something just isn't clicking for me, like I'm not taking this seriously. Or that when faced with adversity, I can't handle the pressure. I have been working like a million hours a week. Like to the point of severe exhaustion. But I keep making excuses, like once this last week of working 2 jobs is over, I'll get on the straight and narrow. But if I keep this up, I'm going to have even more weight to lose than I started with.

What am I do? Somebody slap me! Wake me up! It's just a dream!

On a way more serious note, I am dealing with a lot right now. And I've just got to find myself and pull myself back together.

My life has changed drastically in the last year. I met my husband on eHarmony. And we lived 2 hours away from one another. For various reasons, I ended up being the one to move. I left my family, my job, my friends and my life behind. But even harder has been watching my daughter struggle and having a hard time in her new school. She's been crying a lot and wants to go back home and has been struggling to make friends. And it just breaks my heart to pieces.And in the midst of moving, trying to find a job, switching my daughter's schools and trying to adjust to my new family situation, a new husband and new sons,  I haven't made any friends.

And recently, I've felt alone, more and more. I know a lot of it has to do with working so much and traveling in the car by myself a lot for my second job, but I'm still struggling with it.

And yesterday was one of my very best friend's birthday. But this year, I didn't get to celebrate it with her. She took her own life recently and it's been really hard for me. There's this big hole in my life, where she was and should be. She was a wonderful person, never judged, always listened, and loved me unconditionally. I could call her a 3 in the morning and just talk and talk about anything, everything, or just nothing.  I miss that! So very bad.

The distance between me and my friends back home has taken a toll on my friendships. I'm busy with my new job, my second job and my new expanded family, (which is most grown-ups lives) but it's practically left me alone. And apparently, I'm an emotional eater (a new realization for me), and food is now my best friend. Which I've realized and am acknowledging, which I guess is the first step. The first step to recovery. Why do I feel like a drug addict? I guess I should...I'm a food addict.

 My husband and I are really good friends. And that's how it should be. I think that married people have to be friends to make it work. But sometimes, a girl just needs a girl friend. And I'm fresh out...

Enough pity party for me. Sorry guys. Guess I needed to get all that out.

Goal for the week: Survive on bare minimal sleep. And try to do minimal damage to my body with excessive eating on the road. Drink my water!

Next week: Start 30DS. Start C25K. Watch what I eat. Attack this with a vengeance! Get more sleep. Stop smoking. Get out of this funk!

Did mention get more sleep?