Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday...Kill me please!

Have I mentioned I hate Mondays?

The weekends are never long enough...but when it comes to my eating on the weekends...maybe they are too long.

Took my daughter out Friday night for a Mommy & Me date. Didn't eat too bad, but ate out. Had some Japanese teriyaki chicken and some cabbage and a little rice. It was the stop at Savannah Sweets that should have never happened. It should be illegal to display fresh fudge in front of fat girls. Could I say no? Nope, not me, not that day! Thinking I need some work on the willpower. For sure!

Saturday rolls around...it's my Mom's birthday. And the easiest way to gather my family together for a special occasion? Dangle food in front of them! Mom's favorite place to eat? Red Lobster. Did I eat well? Ummmm...no. Popcorn Shrimp and a baked potato. I did throw a salad in there, but the basket of cheddar/garlic biscuits probably sucked all the good out that choice. Did I feel guilty and disgustingly full? Yep. Did that help me conquer Sunday? Nope.

Sunday...I should just hang my head in shame. We invited a friend of my husband and his wife to church. So we go to church early and meet them in the little coffee lounge. Coffee and cream cheese danish...then after church we didn't want the excitement to end...so "You want go to lunch?" Sure. Mexican? Here we come! All that cheesy, hot goodness...who can say no? I think I need a padded cell!

I wanna lose weight. I really, really want to find my face under my fourteen chins that I've now grown so I can actually recognize myself in the mirror. Find the cheekbones I once had, long buried underneath this chipmunk cheeks I have now. But I feel like something just isn't clicking for me, like I'm not taking this seriously. Or that when faced with adversity, I can't handle the pressure. I have been working like a million hours a week. Like to the point of severe exhaustion. But I keep making excuses, like once this last week of working 2 jobs is over, I'll get on the straight and narrow. But if I keep this up, I'm going to have even more weight to lose than I started with.

What am I do? Somebody slap me! Wake me up! It's just a dream!

On a way more serious note, I am dealing with a lot right now. And I've just got to find myself and pull myself back together.

My life has changed drastically in the last year. I met my husband on eHarmony. And we lived 2 hours away from one another. For various reasons, I ended up being the one to move. I left my family, my job, my friends and my life behind. But even harder has been watching my daughter struggle and having a hard time in her new school. She's been crying a lot and wants to go back home and has been struggling to make friends. And it just breaks my heart to pieces.And in the midst of moving, trying to find a job, switching my daughter's schools and trying to adjust to my new family situation, a new husband and new sons,  I haven't made any friends.

And recently, I've felt alone, more and more. I know a lot of it has to do with working so much and traveling in the car by myself a lot for my second job, but I'm still struggling with it.

And yesterday was one of my very best friend's birthday. But this year, I didn't get to celebrate it with her. She took her own life recently and it's been really hard for me. There's this big hole in my life, where she was and should be. She was a wonderful person, never judged, always listened, and loved me unconditionally. I could call her a 3 in the morning and just talk and talk about anything, everything, or just nothing.  I miss that! So very bad.

The distance between me and my friends back home has taken a toll on my friendships. I'm busy with my new job, my second job and my new expanded family, (which is most grown-ups lives) but it's practically left me alone. And apparently, I'm an emotional eater (a new realization for me), and food is now my best friend. Which I've realized and am acknowledging, which I guess is the first step. The first step to recovery. Why do I feel like a drug addict? I guess I should...I'm a food addict.

 My husband and I are really good friends. And that's how it should be. I think that married people have to be friends to make it work. But sometimes, a girl just needs a girl friend. And I'm fresh out...

Enough pity party for me. Sorry guys. Guess I needed to get all that out.

Goal for the week: Survive on bare minimal sleep. And try to do minimal damage to my body with excessive eating on the road. Drink my water!

Next week: Start 30DS. Start C25K. Watch what I eat. Attack this with a vengeance! Get more sleep. Stop smoking. Get out of this funk!

Did mention get more sleep?





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