Friday, August 31, 2012

It's Friday! It's Friday!

I'm on Day 5 of no smoking!

Take that!

Woohoo!

And I feel better already. Finally. This is been one heck of a roller coaster riding week. My emotions have been all over the place. There have been moments when I wanted to crawl out of my own skin because of the nicotine cravings making me absolutely crazy. I have been in moments of crazy tears and madness because I wanted to smoke but tried to will myself not to...But today....today I feel better. I'm still chewing gum like it's going out of style, but I feel better.

Today, I noticed I'm not breathing as hard as I normally do. That I don't seem as winded maybe. And I'm really thinking that starting the C25K soon will go over way more smoothly for me because I can breathe.

I still have millions of things to work on and get back to working on, but I think that I've almost conquered this one. And I'm just getting plain ole giddy thinking about the money we are going to save. With both my husband and I smoking, we were easily spending $60 - $80 a week on cigarettes. I'm going to try and start putting that much into our savings account each week and see if we can't save up some moolah!

And for the first day in quite some time...I drank all my water today! Woohoo! Go me! And stuck to good eating habits thus far today. But unfortunately (and fortunately), the kids will be away this weekend and my hubby is taking me on a date tonight. I can only imagine the calorie damage...but I AM NOT going to feel guilty about it! I quit smoking this week! YAY me! I can worry about working on my diet and exercise next week,,,This weekend is MINE! And it's a 3 day weekend because of the holiday...

Go have some fun peeps! I definitely am going to try to.

Don't forget to check out the night sky tonight - It's supposed to be a BLUE MOON...and it only happens once in a blue moon!!! LOL!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Thunderous Thursday

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

It's been raining here almost every day for a month. The one day that it was all sunny and beautiful, was the one day I ended up having to work on a Saturday at my new job...Got to love it! I think Murphy's Law applies explicitly to my life sometimes.

I'm one Day 4 of not smoking! Hanging in there. Haven't killed anyone, which I think is a big deal on my part. And probably the hardest part. My husband is quitting too. And I think we both are very emotional and getting on each others nerves, but I kind of expected it with us quitting at the same time. There are moments when I really  want to smoke. But then there are moments that I realize I haven't thought about smoking for hours and think that this is way easier than I thought it would be. Regardless, I should be in the clear here pretty soon. I've read that your body flushes out and quits craving nicotine in about 72 hours. So I should be out of the craving stage. It's the habit I now need to work on, they say it takes like 28 days to form a solid habit? I think. Not sure on that one, but if that's the case then I have about 24 more days of not smoking to form the habit of not smoking.

I've been really sick. Of course, I quit smoking, start on a journey of getting healthy and get sick. Got a sinus infection. A nasty one. Put me down. For real. I left work Tuesday morn and went to the doc, got my prescription filled and went home and laid down at noon. I briefly remember my husband coming in and talking to me, but I didn't wake up again until 5:30 Wed morn. 15 1/2 hours of sleep. Not once did I get up, to pee, to drink, to eat, nothing. My back hurt so bad and I was so dehydrated when I got up, not sure my body accomplished anything on that resting binge it decided to take.

I have been drinking some water. Not all my water. And I've drank caffeine and ate badly. Now that I've almost got this smoking thing kicked in the butt, I think it's time to start kicking some healthy eating and drinking habits butts. And I have done no exercise yet. At all. I know. I know....I need to work on that. Like ASAP.

One change down. Like a billion to go! LOL! Hey, I'm one step in the right direction!!!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Wacky Wednesday

I am on Day 3 of not smoking!

Can't say that it's been easy. Can't say that I feel better. I have managed to get a sinus infection and it pretty much laid me out yesterday. Can't say that I don't want to smoke, but I'll get there.

One day at a time.

Sorry for the short post. Been trying to drink my water. Have wanted to eat everything in sight. Trying viciously not to do that. Got sick and then slept for like 18 hours straight.

But...I'm not smoking!


Monday, August 27, 2012

Manic Monday and ME

We all know....I hate Mondays! But this particular one may just best me yet.

I QUIT SMOKING TODAY!

And....it's making me NUTS! Like seriously. Full blown panic mode, feeling really crazy, feeling like I don't belong in my own skin. NUTS! OMGosh! I feel mentally challenged. Currently, I am sitting at work, rocking back and forth in my chair, because I can't figure out what to do with myself. I want to smoke. I want to scream. I don't want to smoke because I don't want to start Day 1 all over again tomorrow. I want to scream. I know that cold turkey is hard, but I really couldn't see the point of chewing nicotine gums or using nicotine patches, only to have yet another thing I have to break the addiction from.

I have almost drank my water today. Which is good. But I've eaten bad. Not just bad.....but baaaaaaaaaaaad! I think that I've almost ate an entire box of Zesty Salsa Wheat Thins. And I've chewed at least 20 pieces of gum today. But if that means I'm not smoking, I'll take it. I can deal with the weight loss later.


 I was going to start my exercise today, but I've been very sick. Laid in bed or on the couch all day yesterday. Had a slight cough and sniffle, then got a major headache, then ending losing my dinner. Hanging in there, but feeling a little puny still today. So I'll give myself another day of rest and go from there.

My goals today: Not smoke. Not kill anyone. Drink my water. That should suffice today.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Scared Straight!

Nothing like a good ole scare to pump everything back into perspective...

Yesterday, my husband got rushed from work in an ambulance having severe chest pains. And because we both smoke, of course I'm scared he's having a heart attack. Luckily, he's fine. Take that back...Thank God he's fine! Luck had nothing to do with it. He has ribcage inflammation, which is painful, but not as serious as a heart attack. Thinking that I may lose my husband to a nasty habit we both possess, scared me to death. So...quitting smoking has been put first and foremost on the list of changes to make. Monday is our quit day. Period. Got to do it. I never want to worry about our health again because of something we are doing to ourselves.

Today is my last day of both jobs for awhile. Will have a break for a month or two before I have to start it back up again. YAY! Going to try and get some rest this weekend and start up with some 30DS Monday as well. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited because I really haven't had time for me and I'm so ready for the number on the scale to start going down. Scared because everyone says Jillian will kill you.

So it's looking like Monday will begin the changes I've been trying to talk myself into making for some time. I've been lackadaisically working on them since the beginning of the month and the beginning of the 60 day fitness challenge, but I'm about to kick it into high gear. Thinking that I may lose my husband made changing our lives for the healthier a much bigger priority. The smoking, my being overweight, not getting enough sleep, not eating healthy....going out the window baby! Here comes a smoke-free, exercising, eating healthy, drinking water, getting the proper rest lifestyle. Can't wait! I know it will be hard, but so very worth it in the long run. I am ready to not feel like crap all the time.

And I realized this week...I've just really let myself go. I mean I bathe and take care of my personal hygiene and stuff, but making the extra effort to look nice has kinda been lost along the way. Firstly, at my size it doesn't matter what I wear, I feel like a slob. I feel like I'm always wearing a moo-moo trying to cover up the fat rolls. Even when I dress up, I feel like I'm just trying to hide my body. So I finally just said what's the point? and started wearing jeans and over-sized t shirts all the time. Luckily I can do that with my job.What does it matter when no matter what I do, I feel like I look like a slob anyway? And my hair...I have oily skin and hair and have to practically wash my hair every day. Since I already look like a slob, why bother with that either? So, I think I wear a ponytail at least 3 or 4 days a week...sad I know. When I was skinny, I used to take so much pride in how I looked. I wouldn't even run to the convenience store to get gas without make-up on. What happened? Why did I let myself get to this point?

Regardless...I'm just ready to feel good and feel good about myself. Can't wait!

Here I come! It'll be nice one day to see ME, the ME I used to be, the pretty ME, looking back in the mirror again!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday...Kill me please!

Have I mentioned I hate Mondays?

The weekends are never long enough...but when it comes to my eating on the weekends...maybe they are too long.

Took my daughter out Friday night for a Mommy & Me date. Didn't eat too bad, but ate out. Had some Japanese teriyaki chicken and some cabbage and a little rice. It was the stop at Savannah Sweets that should have never happened. It should be illegal to display fresh fudge in front of fat girls. Could I say no? Nope, not me, not that day! Thinking I need some work on the willpower. For sure!

Saturday rolls around...it's my Mom's birthday. And the easiest way to gather my family together for a special occasion? Dangle food in front of them! Mom's favorite place to eat? Red Lobster. Did I eat well? Ummmm...no. Popcorn Shrimp and a baked potato. I did throw a salad in there, but the basket of cheddar/garlic biscuits probably sucked all the good out that choice. Did I feel guilty and disgustingly full? Yep. Did that help me conquer Sunday? Nope.

Sunday...I should just hang my head in shame. We invited a friend of my husband and his wife to church. So we go to church early and meet them in the little coffee lounge. Coffee and cream cheese danish...then after church we didn't want the excitement to end...so "You want go to lunch?" Sure. Mexican? Here we come! All that cheesy, hot goodness...who can say no? I think I need a padded cell!

I wanna lose weight. I really, really want to find my face under my fourteen chins that I've now grown so I can actually recognize myself in the mirror. Find the cheekbones I once had, long buried underneath this chipmunk cheeks I have now. But I feel like something just isn't clicking for me, like I'm not taking this seriously. Or that when faced with adversity, I can't handle the pressure. I have been working like a million hours a week. Like to the point of severe exhaustion. But I keep making excuses, like once this last week of working 2 jobs is over, I'll get on the straight and narrow. But if I keep this up, I'm going to have even more weight to lose than I started with.

What am I do? Somebody slap me! Wake me up! It's just a dream!

On a way more serious note, I am dealing with a lot right now. And I've just got to find myself and pull myself back together.

My life has changed drastically in the last year. I met my husband on eHarmony. And we lived 2 hours away from one another. For various reasons, I ended up being the one to move. I left my family, my job, my friends and my life behind. But even harder has been watching my daughter struggle and having a hard time in her new school. She's been crying a lot and wants to go back home and has been struggling to make friends. And it just breaks my heart to pieces.And in the midst of moving, trying to find a job, switching my daughter's schools and trying to adjust to my new family situation, a new husband and new sons,  I haven't made any friends.

And recently, I've felt alone, more and more. I know a lot of it has to do with working so much and traveling in the car by myself a lot for my second job, but I'm still struggling with it.

And yesterday was one of my very best friend's birthday. But this year, I didn't get to celebrate it with her. She took her own life recently and it's been really hard for me. There's this big hole in my life, where she was and should be. She was a wonderful person, never judged, always listened, and loved me unconditionally. I could call her a 3 in the morning and just talk and talk about anything, everything, or just nothing.  I miss that! So very bad.

The distance between me and my friends back home has taken a toll on my friendships. I'm busy with my new job, my second job and my new expanded family, (which is most grown-ups lives) but it's practically left me alone. And apparently, I'm an emotional eater (a new realization for me), and food is now my best friend. Which I've realized and am acknowledging, which I guess is the first step. The first step to recovery. Why do I feel like a drug addict? I guess I should...I'm a food addict.

 My husband and I are really good friends. And that's how it should be. I think that married people have to be friends to make it work. But sometimes, a girl just needs a girl friend. And I'm fresh out...

Enough pity party for me. Sorry guys. Guess I needed to get all that out.

Goal for the week: Survive on bare minimal sleep. And try to do minimal damage to my body with excessive eating on the road. Drink my water!

Next week: Start 30DS. Start C25K. Watch what I eat. Attack this with a vengeance! Get more sleep. Stop smoking. Get out of this funk!

Did mention get more sleep?





Friday, August 17, 2012

TGIF

Wow! What a week! I've worked myself to death and back. But now I've got to get a handle on myself and starting rocking some changes.

I did get some extra sleep last night. Took a 2 hour nap when I got home. And then went to bed at 10:30 and still managed to oversleep this morning. They say that you can't catch up on lost sleep, but sometimes I swear that my body thinks so.

I am doing awesome on the smoking front. I do believe that I will be completely ready and in the right frame-set to quit next week. Finally!

I'm doing pretty good drinking my water although I haven't completely cut out caffeine altogether just yet.

I want to start the 30DS next Saturday. I've still got my other job going pretty hard until then, but as soon as I'm down to one job, I want to start. I'm a little scared but a little excited at the same time.

I want to have to buy a smaller size jeans! I'm ready. I want to do this.

I keep telling myself something I saw on Mama Laughlin's page. Can't remember how it was worded exactly, but basically - If it's important to you, you will do it. If not, you'll make excuses. Well, I've decided that this is important to me and that I need to suck it up and quit make excuses and get this thing started. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone falls once in a while, but I have to make up my mind that being healthy and in shape is a life choice and that it will affect the rest of my life and how long I'm here to live it.

With that said, let me go drink some water!

Have a blessed weekend folks!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Weigh In Wednesday! (A little late)

Not liking the results today. 1 lb. down. I have really been eating bad though and working 18 hour days and no exercise. And my monthly visitor is here, so 1 lb down, I guess is not so bad. After next Tuesday, my life will return to normal and I can kick it into high gear. I actually can't wait. I'm ready to get in this and kick some fat's booty. I still want to reach my goal of getting under 200 by the end of September so I'm going to have to work really hard, but man that would be so awesome!

I'm kicking smoking's butt though. Even though I haven't fully quit, I've cut down. And I'm finally so sick of it, I'll be completely done soon. Hopefully by the end of next week. I've been chewing the heck out of some gum.

I need sleep. This is the one I need to work on the most right now. Of course it's impossible to sleep 8 hours when you are working the hours I have been, but I'm moving this one up my list of priorities. Today, I'm a zombie. And I'm pretty worthless. I'm running on auto-pilot, just praying that no one asks me anything that requires me to think too hard...

Monday, August 13, 2012

Monday Blues

I hate Mondays. And it is SOOO totally a Monday around here.

I have been working my butt off, so I haven't posted in a while. I've been working my full-time job and having to run all over the South for my second job. I think Thursday, I worked in 3 different counties besides my regular job. I'm officially the most tired I can remember ever and still being conscious. :(  Downside...I have 2 more weeks of this. I'm so ready for it to be over.

My eating has suffered, caffeine intake has been maximized, exercise has been nonexistent, but I'm still not giving up. I have still drank my water and tried to make healthier eating choices, but it's really hard when you spend the majority of your day in the car. Thank goodness for my husband, he packs me a pretty nice breakfast and lunch every day. It's dinner and weekends that kill me. I have still managed to lose 4 lbs, which is awesome! And I'm thinking I am almost ready to quit smoking for good. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of not being able to breathe. It's a disgusting habit and I know it and I'm finally getting to the point that I really want to quit.

I want to have to buy a new pair of jeans by the end of September, which means I need to get busy. I'm hoping that I can crank up the weight loss next week after the second job settles down. And get back to my list of changes that I want to make. Definitely want to work on the more sleep per night. I'm dying.

Drinking my water. And even though I want to eat everything in sight, I WILL NOT. I will conquer.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Motivation, Wherefore art thou?

I have no motivation. It has escaped me. I think I need to chase it down. Granted, I've been working my tail off for the last week, but I feel guilty. The worst part is I have 3 more weeks of my two jobs at once, then I will have a several month break from the madness. I think it's just knowing I have 3 more weeks that makes my motivation run away. And I have a guilt complex. I let everything make me feel guilty. Knowing is half the battle. But I do it anyway.

I think I need to dig down deep, especially since I really want this, and find every ounce of courage and strength I have and kick some butt. I need to realize that even though the next few weeks will be stressful, I will still feel even better if I watch what I eat and get my exercise in. So, my short-term goal for today is to drink my water, watch what I eat, and climb on the treadmill when I get off work. One day at a time.

I will praise myself because even though I am still smoking, I have significantly cut down and maintained that. I have still kept down my caffeine intake down to one caffeinated beverage a day. I did manage to get 6 1/2 hours of sleep last night, which is a huge improvement.

I have found a lot of support and encouragement in Mama Laughlin's Fit Camp on Facebook and her blog along with others I've found through her, are very motivational in themselves. I just got a treadmill Sunday and am completely stoked about it. It has just been too hot here to even think about going outside. And I ordered the 30DS online and it should be here today. I really excited about that.

So I've had a little set back this past week, but I'm not quitting. And even though I have this guilt complex, I'm talking myself out of beating myself up as I type. So, tonight...I WILL conquer the treadmill! And tomorrow when I weigh in for my first week of the 60 day fitness challenge I WILL be proud no matter the weight loss because I know I'm headed in the right direction. And long term...I WILL quit smoking. I WILL lose weight. I WILL drink more water. I WILL cut out caffeine. I WILL eat healthier. I WILL make more time to read the bible. I WILL be able to play with my kids.

I CAN and I WILL!!!! Come here motivation! We've got some work to do!!!!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Help I've Fallen...!!!

I've been so busy the last couple of days. I actually worked 24 hours straight Tuesday. Which lead to some pretty bad eating. I feel horrible! Physically exhausted, but mad at myself for eating bad and basically having to start over. Today is Day 11 since I started trying to change myself. I had lost 7 lbs, but the last couple of days have cost me 5 lbs in the other direction. And I feel guilty. But the worst part is after eating so badly, trying to get back on track today has left me starving. I could eat anything and everything at this point, but I'm trying to withstand and have some will power.

I need to get some serious rest, and go back at this with some serious motivation and attitude. But I'm having a hard time trying to figure out where it went. I think my motivation is hiding from me. If you find it, will you send it my way?

I ordered the 30 Day Shred DVD. I can't wait for it to get here. I've also made arrangements to get a treadmill from my mom, but she's 2 hours away and I'm still not sure if it will fit in my tiny SUV. Hopefully so! It's too darn hot to walk in this heat, but I need the exercise. Maybe we can figure something out this weekend.

I want to quit smoking. I need to quit smoking. I need to set a date. I'm just being a coward. Where has my kick-butt attitude run away to? I need you back. I want to quit smoking next week. Not that I've pin-pointed a week down. I need to nail down a date.

I'm on Day 2 of Mama Laughlin's Weight Loss Challenge on Facebook. So I'm going to take this starting over thing in stride. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up and regain my motivation.

I'm going to list my positives to try and cheer me up:

1. I'm one step closer to setting a quit date.
2. I'm 2 lbs lighter than when I started this.
3. I've consistently drank my water everyday, even when I drank a can of soda. I've stayed on course with this one.
4. I have eaten salads from fast food places when I had to eat out.
5. I've made efforts to start an exercise regimen. Ordered DVD, and trying to get treadmill here.

So, I'm better off than I was 11 days ago. And for now that will have to do. My goal for today is to eat healthy and in moderation for the rest of the day even though I want to eat everything in sight. Drink more water. And get some serious rest, so I can wake up tomorrow ready to kick some more fat's butt!