Friday, July 27, 2012

Day 4

Hi. My name is Connie and I'm a recovering Mountain Dew and Diet Coke addict.

It started in my early 20s with Mountain Dew. There's just something about that syrupy, sweet, jolt packed with caffeine that gets me every time. I usually drank about 4 20oz. bottles a day. Then I found out that part of the reason that I couldn't lose any weight was that I was drinking my caloric intake alone in Mountain Dew...not to mention the calories I got when I ate anything. And I was having some dental problems, and at my last cleaning my dentist took one look at my teeth and asked if I drank Mountain Dew. "Yes?" I replied, "How can you tell?" He said that Mountain Dew was so acidic that he saw people all the time that had excessive wear on their enamel due to drinking Mountain Dew. SCARY!!! You can look at my teeth and tell I drink Mountain Dew! Are you serious????

So grudgingly, I switched to Diet Coke. And let me tell you, that was hard. I hated diet drinks. They taste like diet. But I sucked it up and resolved myself not to drink anymore calories. And eventually came to love Diet Coke and that aftertaste. That was about 5 years ago. I have been drinking nothing but Diet Coke all day long for 5 years. Probably on average 2 two liters a day. Wow! Looking back...that is insane.

I hate water! I've always hated water. But I've been reading up and I realize that even though I'm not getting calories from what I drink, the sodium, caffeine, and artificial sweetener are absolutely and horribly just as bad. So here I am again, having to give up my drink of choice. And I don't know about any of you, but if you've ever tried to give up caffeine cold turkey when you drink any significant amount everyday, the headaches will make you wish you had died instead. Two weeks ago, I decided to give up caffeine and took the plunge. Halfway through day 1, I felt like a tornado, a hurricane, and an earthquake were duking it out in my head to see who was the biggest and baddest. Man, that was one SICK headache. I finally gave up and had 1 bottle of Diet Coke. Since then, I've tried over and over each day not to drink any caffeine, and had to drink at least some to survive the pounding in my head. I've managed to get down to 1 can a day, but I'm trying to wait longer and longer each day before I indulge. I'm thinking I may need to pour out half the can now before I start drink it and cut down even more. But my brain screams, "How wasteful!" That's just how my mind works and makes excuses for myself. I may just need someone to follow me around for a couple of weeks screaming "NO!" at me every time I head for the drink machine or stop at a convenience store.

So, last night we took my awesome mother-in-law to dinner at a Mexican restaurant for her birthday. Which, in hindsight, probably not the best of ideas, but it was her birthday and I didn't pick the restaurant. And I'm not really sure that she did because she doesn't even really like Mexican. But...I regress.

I love Mexican food! Love, love, love, Mexican food! I think I could eat it for every meal the rest of my life. I think that it's probably possible to pour that creamy, white cheese sauce on just about anything and make it edible. I think I could probably eat cardboard if it was dipped in that wonderful cheese. Needless to say, changing my eating habits and going to a Mexican restaurant don't go hand-in-hand. And I tried to be good. I ordered a water. Yay me! Because what I really wanted was a nice cool Diet Coke, or...better yet - a nice, big, fat margarita...Man!  That was way too hard. I tried my best not to plant my face in the cheese dip and instead sat there and occasionally ate a chip with a little cheese while we were waiting on our food. Normally, I'd be full on chips, cheese, and salsa before my food even got to the table. But I tried to resist and stay strong. But I was starving! And ate almost every bite on my plate, which I didn't intend to do. And when the kids ordered desserts, I didn't order one too, I just had a bite of theirs. But as we were walking out of the restaurant and my food started settling, I could tell I had really over done it. I felt pregnant with food, I was miserable. Then I started feeling guilty for everything. I knew I needed to at least go walk it off, but it was already late and we needed to get the kids home and showered so we could get them into bed.

I swore when I got up this morning that I was not going to weigh. That I would just resolve myself to do even better today and over the weekend, but I couldn't resist. I had to know. How bad was the damage? So reluctantly, I crawl up on the scale. What? I only gain .4 of a lb? Seriously? I'll take that. And then I will drink water like I live in the desert and eat like a sparrow today and hopefully get in some exercise and push on past this indulgence. I read somewhere that the reason why when men and women diet, and men seem to do so much better, is because when guys mess up, they forgive, forget, and start over. But when girls mess up, they feel guilty because they screwed up and instead of starting over, quit dieting because they've already blown it. Well, I'm taking the "Men's" approach on this. I ate too much last night, yeah, I screwed up. But I'm not done. I'm in this thing for real. I've got almost 1 lb to go to make my weight loss 5 lbs for the week and I've got til Monday to do it.

The more I blog and work on "Me", the more I realize things I need to change about myself. Like, wearing my seat belt for example. I'm claustrophobic, like insanely. And I've always had a problem wearing my seat belt, even though I know if I were in an accident it would probably save my life. My weight probably doesn't help and only makes it even more uncomfortable. Just the thought of strapping myself into my car makes me sick to my stomach. My husband on the other hand, loves me so much and doesn't want anything to happen to me, so much that he doesn't understand my fears and anxieties about it and just wants me to wear it and be safe. We've had several disagreements and confrontations about it. And to please him and set a good example for the kids, I try. Lord knows, I try. But if I'm having a very stressful day, and my anxieties are on their peak of breaking, I can't do it. When I get in that state, just the thought of being "trapped" in my seat, brings tears to my eyes. And heaven help me if I'm riding somewhere with my husband because he will say something. And I know that he only does it because he cares, but it just makes me want to cry. So...here is yet another thing I need to work on with myself. I know that it will be hard, but it will be safer for me and maybe with some weight loss it came become bearable.

For now I'm making progress, so I'm happy with myself. I need to push myself harder, granted, but I'm doing pretty good in my eyes. This weekend, I'm planning on setting a quit date for my smoking and working on unpacking the last room in our house - the Office. I so don't want to do it, but it needs to be done. Only Monday will tell...

2 comments:

  1. I'm looking at giving up smoking myself.. My strategy is to get a handle on eating working out and losing what I gained during my last attempt then try again with a prescription.

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    1. I'm in the same boat. I definitely didn't want to gain any MORE weight trying to quit. So I want to do it all at the same time.

      Good luck! I just started following your blog...so we'll be quitting together!

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